Wow! Its already 2015? How time flies...

Happy 2015 Everyone..

Its already 2015, and for the past 1 and half month so many things had happened, me only dok malas nak update. Being busy with the treatment and melayan anak. The thing is everytime I have the niat to update my blog.. everytime ada je la activity, which most of it is sleeping (after the treatment effect kot..hihi)


Anyways, my hope for this year, to be filled with good and great things ahead. Eventhough with my current conditions, and also my dad's health condition as well, I feel positive. Put aside all of your problem, think about what will be next. And redha with the things that come to you, good or bad.

My next vision is to see my son grows well, and to nourish him with full of love. Make sure that I am always there for him. Boleh rasa yang si kecik sorang ni sangat mama's boy. Everything Ammi... tidor pon bawah ketiak Ammi.Sometimes I will just think, now every single thing is Ammi, when he grown up later, forgot everything about Ammi (I hope not). Memang penat to think of it how clingy of him.. especially when the last 2 weeks of MCs. With the tantrum nya, only Allah knows, how tiring it is.

I was crying at 1 point, during my outing with him, just because he was screaming out loud at the restaurant, and wiping the floor. But 1 thing for sure, after I practice to recite the surah Taha to him every night, his tantrum all gone. More calm and relax, with the help of the ustaz as well. Alhamdulillah.


But whatever it is I will Pray hard and the best for our family. May Allah ease the burden that I have carried. Insyallah.

Battling with Big C - Part 3

Baru ada masa sikit nak bercerita about my experience during the treatment.

28th October

Day after the operation. Alhamdullilah everything went well. I am so scared, never been into this deep sleep before. When I woke up, a bit weak, but slowly recovered. Just noticed there are few holes on my tummy.


29th October.

Out from Hospital

03rd November 2014- 30th November

My 1st radiotherapy session. At first I dunno what to expect. With the big machine awaits. But then it just some painless procedure. with the machine goes around you. Good thing about PCMC, during the session they will put on the Al Quran recitation, if you are muslim, or if others, they will put all this soothing sounds during the session.



05th November 2014, and every Wednesday. (till 01st December)

Had my 1st chemo. My fear is more towards when they want to set up an IV drip on your hand. Bab cucuk2 tu.. But then after a while.. you just being pasrah. Macam cucuk la apa-apa yang nak dicucuk.. But I can't watch still...Then you have to wait for the IV drip to finish.. Then they give you the drug or Cisplatin in my case. Dalam keadaan redha la all the time. Masa 1st masuk, a bit sakit.. not use too kot..

And alhamdulillah from 1st chemo till the end. Semua berjalan lancar. I dont't experience any nausea, or vomitting, or any severe side effects. Just hair loss and mulut taste like metal.. And I don't lose weight. (stress gak..igt sakit-sakit ni boleh la turun sikit berat tu..hehe).. But then, maybe because of the steroid that I took. Part of side effects of steroid, memang akan menggemuk. In my case, langsung tak turun.. huhuhuhu



02nd till 20th December

Started my Brachiteraphy session. The scariest part, still the jarum part. Especially part diorg nk cocok kt spine tu.. Punya la berdebar.. sampai terdiam. I have told nurse, if I diam je tu, meaning tgh takut sangat la kot.. They are so baik with me.. keep asking me to calm down. The anesthetic Doc keep telling me why la I so takut. I can't even think of it, tremble.



20th December

I went for the patient celebration in PCMC. In away it is kind a my celebration of my treatment completion. Rasa cam lega. To think of how nice they are, from the doctor, nurses, the radiotherapist, and etc. Serious, one in million experience that I can't forget. Especially my Doc, Dr. Azriff who really kind and warm, and doing his great job to treat me,. To the nurses, Sis Rahimah, Sis Zuraidah, Yap and few others, who are doing their job greatly, and to the Radiotherapist, Lia and Mr Kannan, yg sgt friendly and warm. I am so glad with this group of people yang sentiasa memberi 100% support that you need in the time like this.
Thank you soooo much!


Some of the pic during the patient celebration day..

Battling with Big C - Part 2

Month of October 2014..

So busy with the work and family, and forgot about my illness. After the big submission on my Pos Tender, and mean time went for few visit to different specialist. At that moment still have not sure to which specialist, or which medical centre that I should go to. It is more asking people around, but most give a specialist for O&G specialist. I need an opinion from cancer expert as well (dunno the term oncologist yet).

Then decided to google around, saw the list of good medical centre, such as pantai, pcmc, and as well as sdmc (even I am now like 50-50 with them). Then dunno why, I have decided to try Prince Court, from a feedback of a friend, they are like so good. So, okay let me see google. Then it was kind a short notice, I have googled the name and contact, and straight away email them for Saturday appointment, (it was Friday that time). Luckily they have slot for me. Alhamdulillah. And I have set to meet up with Dr. Azriff.

The meeting went well, with more details about the things that I have been dealing with. Its pretty much gives me more understanding, and in fact he gave me some readings after the meet up for me to read through what is Cervical Cancer it is all about, with the promise to connect me with 1 patient with similar situation.

He gives different opinion on what sort of treatment that I should go through. No surgery, but with Radioatherapy, Chemotheraphy, and Brachitherapy. He said, even with the surgery, it wont be able to save my uterus anymore, since the tumour is quite big. If the operation, the choice will be to remove the uterus. I am still devastated when I hear this at first. So which ever option I have chose, it wont be able to save my uterus anymore, and wont be able to have more baby. I know hubby was devastated as well.

We went back with so many things inside my head. In the mean time, I have set the appointment with Dr Hamid Arshat as well, for another opinion. At the mean time, I have told Dr Azriff to give me sometimes to think about this.


15th Oct 2014

Meeting with Dato' Dr Hamid Arshat. Today Emi, good friend of mine, and my insurance agent, accompany me for the appointment. I am hoping that Dr Hamid can give some hope on this. My concern is to save my uterus as much as I wanted to..but.. it just so sad to think that I wont be able to conceive again. When he go through my MRI result, and other result, his response to go with what Dr Azriff suggested. No need operation. As the operation is to remove, and it wont be able to save my uterus. And with state of the art technology, no need to go through the surgery pain, he said. So there it goes. from an expert himself. But he suggested to go to Beacon Hospital, since his friend is running the hospital, and they have the best facilities.

Thansk for accompany me Emi..

Then we went to SDMC, while waiting Emi to settle her things, I am keep searching an info on the best facilities on cancer treatment. I just got to know about Beacon from the Dr Hamid, and plan to check it out. Went there with Emi, and found out it is quite expensive compared to other hospital. On top of that, my insurance, co. and personal, does not cover there.


18th October

My RT planning and simulation begins, This after decided to go with Dr Azriff, as I felt that I have got the support I need from him, and after few opinions from people, like hubby, and few ex-patients.

Prep for my RT simulation Session

21st Oct,

Did Pet -Scan, as Dr Azriff don't feel at ease when the MRI report earlier, mentioned there is some possibility of my Lymph nodes may have the cancer cell as well.



27th October

School friend.. glad to have them in my life.. love you all to bits!

I had decided to do move my ovaries aside, to sure that during my Radiotheraphy session  it won't effected the ovaries, at least to less down my menopause effect. Hope it works.

Pose before the Operation...

My beautiful view..penat sgt..

View from my Hotel eh... my Room..mmg rasa mcm dok hotel.. hehe

Throwback : Little Celebration for Lil' one.

We had some small celebration of my lil payo birthday. On his birthday itself, took him to indoor playground, Amanville. And we had great time there. But the place is so empty, its just us and 1,2 parents with their toddlers.

Had fun.. had some smoothies, had him driving the remote car, running around in the mall. It so spacious and empty, he can just lied there. He he

The next Sunday, is the Hajj Celebration and Mom decided to do small celebration for little Payo as well. Just some makan-makan during Hajj celebration and small cake cutting for si kecik.

Simple and sweet.

Excited Terlebey

Yup.. mmg terlebey..

Us..

kesayangan Ammi..

He loves this so much..everytime look at this pic the excitement shows..

He loves Hi-5 so much okay.. like too much..

Battling with Big C - Part 1

How to start this yeah.. it has been awhile since my last post, and since there are so many things happened recently that definitely change my life forever.


Let me throwback some of big things happened recently, As I feel like to keep track of everything(sort of diaries) and maybe my loves one got the chance to read this.. and knows what I have been through.. sob sob..


25th Sept 2014

I went for a visit to Gynae in Ramsay Sime Darby, after few times visit to my GP, and my current conditions is not improving. So, meet up with the Gynae, and explained to her what has happened, with the explanation from the referral letter itself. So, I was asked to lie down and take all the sample from me for pap smear test, and she explained saw some growth which looks like cauliflower, and my heart was thumping like hell. Her suspect when she saw my conditions, was either the condition is related to STD, or some growth can be fibroid or Cancer related., since she asked me to do the test for Clamydia as well. Inside my heart it is so hard to say its related to STD, as I know myself and hubby. But who knows, things can just happened.

I was so down and weak after the session with the doc, and my pants was soaking in blood, (blood running like a a broken pipe). Luckily I am wearing black, and try to walk slowly to the car and drive back home.  At home, I was sooo down, even Dr has not confirmed anything with me, since need to wait till Saturday or the following Monday for the result. But as if I have the sense already about this. Start googling on the cancer related, and stuff. I have told husband the whole story, and he just told me not to worry, nothing bad will happen.



26th - 28th Sept 2014

Nothing much happened. Just that told Mama about what happened, and she also telling me not to worry, and told me she experience almost the same thing 1 year after giving birth to my 3rd brother,and its not severe. I really really hope  nothing severe ..


29th Sept

I was so busy with my tender submission, and almost forgot about the result, since they suppose to call me on Saturday. Later in the afternoon, I have received the call from my gynae clinic and informed me result has been out. And they passed the phone to my Gynae and straight on the phone, she told me it is not good news! That I have active cancer cell in the sample. I was soo shocked, that I felt like fainted, and luckily there is a table in front of me to hold on, so that I wont felt down.

And I do not know what am I suppose to do, or to say, or to act, I was just asking her, "Then Dr, what will be next for me", with trembling voice. She striked me with another statement " Then you need to get your uterus removed la like this" I was like  " Whaaaaaaatt?" Then straight she said, "Ok,ok. Let me arrange the meeting with Dr Tan, the other specialist in the Gynae./cancer related. (to think of it.. how can she just update me through the phone? where is her empathy? have some mercy at least, when u want to break such a big news to a patient? **sigh deeply

After the phone call, Lin, my colleague saw me with my face changed, Brief her a bit what happened, and I left the meeting straight away. Along the way, I have tried to maintain my coolness  as much as I can, and still smiled and discuss a bit with the people in the meeting. I called my husband about the news, he drove (or more like flew to me, since within few mins only, and then he arrived to hospital).

So, Dr Tan has confirmed again the report, and asked me to do the MRI, for him to know how big is the growth.

My hubby hold my hands tightly, and keep telling me it is going to be okay. I can felt that he is so devastated as well, and hold his tears. We went back with after the MRI, and break the news to Mama. She was shocked, and start to think on worst already, and I have to calm her.  Like what about my son and what about her.. what about everything.  Huhuhu

Looking at my son, of course I am so devastated. My only son, my everything.  And I may not have the chance of seeing him growing. But put the negativity aside. Focus on the recover..Give some fighting chance for me to fight this battle. Insyaallah.


1st October

Met Dr Tan again. Based on the MRI report its confirmed that the tumour is around 6cm, (which I pray so much please let it be <4cm). So, this is to confirm that I have Stage 1b2 Cervical Cancer.

Then Dr suggested few options to go with. He do not advise Radiotherapy, since it will cause me menopause, and the effect of menopause that I couldn't bear. Scary to hear it at 1st. Then he suggested me to go with Chemo, to shrink the tumor, and will go for Surgery after that. But with the surgery (at this moment he doesn't  share type of surgery to be done) ,  and its still not confirmed that cancer will be cured totally and chances of getting another chemo and radiotherapy is high.
I was stunned.
As of now, I kind a accept the option, to go for surgery. Need to find another option. Went back go through the whole list of hospital that we can think of, and managed to call Hamid Arshat for appointment. But still doesnt feel right, since I need some Cancer specialist ( at this moment have not familiar with the term oncologist) expert. I have been asking around and people keep giving me the list of O&G specialist.

Stop thinking about my problem for awhile, and needto focus on my lil Payo and Hajj celebration.



To be continued...

Restless weekend.

It is been awhile since the last update.. And usually memang sangat busy. This week je macam okay skit. 

In less than 2 weeks my lil Payo is turning to 2years old. Takde plan yang gah sangat this year. Plan nak bawak makan-makan and watching him have fun. Tapi dok pikir till now thinking what will be the best plan. Dok usha sana sini.. I really wished for the barbeque by the pool with family and close friend. Tapi mana nak carik pool nya. My apartment area ada lah pool, but they don't really maintain it well ... Haih..pening pikir. Pusing kepala mak..

By the way.. speaking about that guy. He is growing so fast, and being so cheeky. But he has his own mood. If things not according to his, memang masak la..be prepared with his tantrum. Noticed that if he is not enough sleep, he will be cranky like no body business. Last week that is what happened, during the Playgroup session. 

It his 1st playgroup. First 15 minutes can see that he is following and observe carefully. Then he start to get cranky.. Especially when I try to make him stand still. The next 1 hr plus is me struggling or you can called it 'wrestling' with him to get him in the playgroup. I was up and down running, in and out and he is crying out loud like nobody business. At 1 point he was screaming out loud to the level that teacher's voice was sanked by his loud cry. I can sense some pityness in some of parents look when they look at me like that. It was very challenging. 

Then after the session finish I called up my hubby and mama to mengadu about him, and he is aware that I am talking about him, and close his face. A minute later, pengsan! Then I realized, he is tired actually, since around 11.30 - 12 pm tu his nap time, tapi sebuk nak hantar pi class la kan. Padan la muka Ammi. Next time make sure dia tido kejap at least.. Takde la cranky mcm monster... Haih anak.

Ok.. curious with the Teacher..

Story telling time. - ok..still behave

Still Bertahan..

ok..dah start bgn dah..

Done! I am off now..

Will try again next week. But I will be more cautious la this time. Make sure he is up and ready for the class.. Huhu. The big improvement I can sense after the class, He start to listen. Usually is so hard for me to get his attention. It depends on his mood. But this time when I tell him " Please put your food on your plate, ok Sahil" . Immediately he response "Ok Ammi". I was shocked. Because usually he just being look at me, or just ignore me totally.

I want him to be more courteous to others, esp his rakan sebaya.. Since he is only spend time with my mom je..Apart from doa and hope.. kena usaha gak..

And last but not least..I am hoping for him to be a good person for dunia and akhirat.

Ameen

Ammi Sahil

Eid Mubarak 1435 & Maaf Zahir Batin

It has been weeks passed since Eid Mubarak, and we celebrate it modestly, even baju pun sepasang je this year.  Cukup lah, sekadar anak yg meriah. We try to maintain the color theme for the Eid celebration, tapi terlari jugak. 

Peace Yo!

Familia

Tunggu turn bersalaman

Oma Kesayangan

Both garang face

Anak Papa! (Hidung Ammi) :P

Itu lah padahnya bila masing2 beli sendirik-sendirik. Takpe lah, next year we will try to be more sedondon dondondondon don. Hehehehehehehe

I have got the allergy on the 1st day of Raya, which makes me lying down on bed most  of the time, and don't even realized the time flies so fast that we don't even take a proper family potrait with Papa, or Oma, and others. Still a bit regret when to think of it. Just got some few pic of little one being cheeky. Okay lah, at least something dari takde langsung.. huhuhuhu.

Anak sapo lah ni

huk aloh.. cass ensem ke nak? :P

Then the next day dah nk balik dah, and my lil sweet payo pulak got the allergic, (some insect bite maybe). And by night it getting worst. It is so weird that every time balik kampung he will get that. Dunno from where. Stress di buat nya...

1st kena bite, tak effect lagi mata.

The very next day!!! Hadoih haih

Budak sakit dah terbaring je.. huhu

By the way, this little one already 22 months, in 2 months time will be 2 years! Time flies so fast! Noticed that he is one strong willed child. When he decided not to do what you asked him to do, he will not do it unless if he wants to.. Dasat kan, I am soo worried sometimes, tak nak dia jadi degil and disrespect others, esp. his family. 

Apart from that he is one chatty baby. Eventhough we don't understand a single word sometimes. It is like he got lost in translation or something. Oma talking to him in Malay most of the time, with her own pelat way. Me will be mixing the Malay and English, and Papa will be mixing between Punjab or Urdu and English? Which one to follow? Confused I guessed, he made up his own language.

My little Angel. never get enough of him..