Sahil's 1st day at School

Yes, it his first day at school today. Yeah, I registered him a bit late coz of I just back from my Umrah, and by the time I am back weeks has gone. So decided to enroll him on Feb.

The thing is.. he is so relax. I couldn't believe he is doing fine. I guess I am overreacted about how he will be in school.. Teacher said he cried a little, I think that when he feel restless or a bit scared of something. But the fact he is behaving so well shocked me. Never underestimate your child. They can be so independence at any point of time, and I really need to let go my Clingy Mom syndrome.

Umrah Story Part II

Sambungan from the previous post...

Some might says.."Ala.. awat yg tak caya dapat pergi Umrah pon.. ada duit pergi lah". Believe me.. its never about the money! You have all the money in the world, but when  your heart is not there.... then it wont happen. Or you don't have much money, but your heart is dying to go there, Allah will give you the way! Which in this case that would be me. Thanks to my brother, and Ukhwah Firdausi Travel for this great opportunity!

It less than a month after my chemo, when I decided to go for Umrah. I don't want to tell my Doc, (takut dia tak berapa kasi I pergi..hi hi). This time my heart says I want it badly, and if anything happened to me, or anything related to my health, I live it to Allah. Mama kind a worried, but she is more excited to see me going.

On the day itself, I am still not fully recovered from my cough n flu. Amazingly, the moment I step in the Madinah Airport, I don't have any of it. And it continues until I came back. Basically I am perfectly healthy. I walked a lot (estimated 800 -1000 calories burned everyday), I did experience some back pain, or pain on legs after finished my Umrah(due to long walking distance), and some tiredness I had when I am fasting and doing tawaf at the same time. But it never stops me. Alhamdullilah. My heart keeps praying for the smoothness of everything, and He grants it!

Continue with our visit to Raudhah on the next day, I heard about Du'a in Raudhah, but can't imagine how its look like, or what should I do in Raudhah per say. So.. I am kind a just followed what our group is doing or directed. And with no understanding of where to go. (my earlier understanding on Raudhah is some place outside Masjid Nabawi like a beautiful garden - Since raudhah means heaven on earth or "taman syurga", later that I know it is another special prayer place in Masjid Nabawi)

Before Raudhah..

It has such a big group of people going to Raudhah, from different countries. It seems they let go all this Middle East Group to go first, then the group from Malaysia and Indonesia.  It is so crowded, with people pushing all over. I keep praying Rabbi Assir wala tu assir.. and it seems smooth to me. When we reached the Raudhah ( I don't know at that time we have reached). People seem to push each other to pray at this specific place,. I was standing there, and not quite understand what's going on. The group of Arabic lady praying and sitting there, and since so many groups of people, and some tends to push people around, I was so worried I might felt in this Arabic group.

Then the Ustazah of our group said, " okay we pray here!", And Datin Fiza told me "We need to pray on green carpet",  I still  don't understand why the green carpet? Later that we know, actually we are praying on it, and I realized that when I first sujud. And then I got to know if you are on the green carpet, its in Raudhah, and the most mustajab place for doa.

Raudhah -Green Carpet, Outside Raudhah - Red Carpet

I was crying all out, and grateful with the opportunity I had at Raudhah.

I don't have really take much photo  in the Raudhah, since need to be careful with the security lady and had been warned by Ustazah, and at that point of time, you just think about your prayer and non-stop Du'a.

After visiting Raudhah.

Outside the Raudhah area

My gang when I am there..

While waiting for others.. me & Datin Fiza...

After Raudhah, we went for shopping outside. And such a funny thing to do bargaining with those sellers. Sampai mengucap everytime we asked for rock bottom price. And everytime sees us.. Malaysia banyak bagus.. Gratis.. Actually they trying to say we are so generous or in other words, "Kaki Shopping"! hahaha...


It is another day in Madinah.. we went for visit to few places in Madinah, such as Masjid Quba' , the first Masjid that Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h built when he first came to Madinah. I had such amazing story here. I had lost from my group since I went to take wudhu'. And its full of people in the Masjid, and need to squeeze yourself in to find a place. And, people start pushing each other so bad that the Arab lady is screaming out loud. I just looked from far, and squeeze myself to other side easily, and the next thing I know I saw my group praying in 1 corner, with large space. I found them! I utilized every single moment to pray in there and sujud syukur. Also crying non-stop..The feeling of humbleness, amazement with His creation, and how I have enjoyed every single moment here. (yeah.. I have been crying a lot since I first step in here).

When we went out, the craziness starts again...pushing each other. Lucky for us, I have saw a Pakistani guy, to give me ways for me and my maks... and he and his friend block others and give us way..Alhamdulilah..

The beautiful view of Masjid Quba'

Beautiful view inside the masjid..

My Adik Sayang..

Then we went to Dates Farm, just to see how it is look like...

You can taste./ makan as much as you want..

I look weird in this pic

 Next, we just passed by the Jabal Uhud, which is a bit upset, since the driver do not want to stop to Jabal Uhud, since we have lost a lot of time at the Dates Farm

Frust..dia by pass ke kat Jabal Uhud..

By pass je..kat area masjid Qiblaitain

.

And after that we went to some market to buy all this dates and nuts for our frens and family. (sorry no pic)

My UMRAH Story Part 1

Yes, I had just came back from umrah last Friday.

And this is not something that I have planned, and its all last minute decision. I have prayed to Allah all this while to give me chance to go to Holy Place one day, and I am still feel disbelief how its has been granted, so sudden, so smooth and dipermudahkan. Masha Allah.

When I have decided to follow my brother, (God bless him), its left around 10days to get myself prepared with the journey. I am so scared since I do not know much about Umrah and Hajj, what to do, what to bring? But from here I have left every single thing to Allah, let Him show me the way, and May everything is an ease on me. And I have not telling people, cause I still not too sure about Visa issue, and vaccine and everything. My visa is granted on 28th and I am flying on 29th. Macam tak caya.. tapi bila Allah dah hantar jemputan, segalanya mungkin.


Bermula lah perjalanan kami..

My Kesayangan - yang si Sahil happy lak dia Ammi nk tinggalkan dia. (but actually he don't even cry at all)

Bye bye my kesayangan.. Ammi gonna miss you guys

I have new 'Mak''

Yup..we about to go now

Madinah Airport

The first Pic I had of Masjid Nabawi.. Subhanallah

I can't believed I am here..and the scenery is so beautiful..

The interior that made me go aaaaa...

First selfie in front of Masjid Nabawi..

The ladies entrance

MashaAllah..Subhanallah

 When I had my first Subuh prayer.. I still feel disbelief with what I have witnessed. In my heart I have said millions of Syukur for giving me the chance of being at this magnificient place. I can't tell how thankful I am. And can't describe the feelings I had, Amazed, Thrill, Excited, Scared, Thankful, Happy, and the experience I had is beyond of any place that I have been so far, nothing compared to this.

Final Chemo & treatment for the Year!

My 6th and last chemo happened on the 1st week of December..

I am sooo a excited, all the mixed feeling, to think that this will be my final nightmare. I just can't wait to end all this. Whoever has gone through chemo period, knows how nightmare it is the whole experience. And I am all dressed up to celebrate the fact that all this will be over soon!


But its never being easy for me. At this very last session, my nurse break the news that my red count is so low, and I am not enough of iron? So, they don't want to proceed the chemo, until my oncologist said so. I was soo worried, if they said they have to postpone it. And I don't want to prolong my agony of these chemo experience. "Please Allah", I prayed, with non-stop reciting 1 part of ayat "La Ila ha Illa anta, Subhanakailmi, Kumtum minazzolimin" (Ayat to recite when you are in trouble).

Then doctor said, just proceed, seems physically I look all well. They will just have to take extra pre -caution later. Alhamdulillah.

The next day, I went again for some celebration for cancer patients..But to me its more like to celebrate my final treatment. Glad to see some familiar faces. And hope there will be more celebration to go. InshaAllah

The effect of final chemo is worst this time. (I guess, since immune system already at 0 level, so it will just make everything extra worst). Numbness, body ache, vomiting(something I never experience before this),and numbness until I can't feel my face. (until now in fact). And don't talk about hairs. Every single possible hairs on my body are all gone. I don't even have eye lashes now, and have to wear specs, to cover all dust that came through my eyes. But I do feels  my skin  soft and smooth, like a baby. They said that;s also the effects of chemo. (the only 1 good effect I guess).

And few days after the chemo, my husband fall sick. He got fever, lost appetite, body aching. I can sense its more like dengue. Keep telling him to drink more water, and my making and effort to do the papaya leaves juice for him. And yet, he don't drink it. And its all wasted. Hu hu hu.

Its has been long cuti for Selangor people.. Due to Sultan's Birthday and Selangor won the Malaysia Cup, and yet my whole weekend spent with back and forth to hospital. hu hu hu.

And soon after that, I fall sick. I guess because of me spending my time more in hospital, and with all germs and bacteria.. and with no defense system in my body,, of course..huhu

My cough sounds so bad, that people look at me scary.. and I really hope can get all recovered before my trip. My trip to where? Insha Allah I will reveal to you soon,, if all goes smoothly with Allah permit.

Till then.. Illalliqaaaa''''( See you soon)


AmmiSahil

My Chemo Diary - Part V

Its my 5th cycle of chemo, and it has been quite hectic week for me.

First, the messed up schedule.
I was not aware that my chemo schedule has been set a day earlier, until I saw the date on my appointment book. I have planned it well to have it days before Deepavali, so that I can have long break, and rest. Buuuuttt the nurse has messed up with the date, that cause me to have to reschedule the chemo, and apart from that whatever I have planned for my work all messed up. And to reduce the stress I had hubby suggested to go for short trip, just to makes me feels better. Hu hu..thanks hubby.

Runcing je tgn tu nak ambil Stobewi Ammi.. he he he

Muka sama tak.. :P

Anak Papa

 <3 familia

So I have to do it last Friday, with few days apart from my trip to Kemaman. Allahu.. I prayed for everything goes smoothly, hope nothing bad happened, The journey, the presentation and all. Alhamdulillah.. nasib baik all went well, apart from the scary hujan lebat.

Sky so clear..this is before heavy rain from Karak all the way to KL..

On top of that, I have to pay in full for my previous chemo session, because of the changed of date I have requested previously. Duit terbang lagi! Hadoih.. Nasib boleh claim..


The side effects is still the same.. and so much of body aching, since I have to travel to Kemaman. I don't even have all the energy.. I am seriously pushing my body to the limit. Dengan si bujang kecik meragam pulak. Nampak kita semua tak kena. Nak manja..nak pujuk.. Dengan Omma dia je elok je.. haih la anak. He can be so much understanding, especially when I looked sick, but sometimes he can just be so much clingy too.  This morning I have told him I have to go to work. His reply " Ammi, don't go to work, stay with me". I wish I can Sayang..huhu.. Ammi with all the sickness still work like crazy. I love working. It makes me content. But my energy level really goes down the drain. Hu Hu..Ya Allah...Permudahkan lah Segala Urusan

Another Sad note, my friend that I have mentioned earlier in my previous post. She passed away on my chemo day. It was very sad news, up to the level I cried to myself, and thinking if next is me, am I ready? I feel soo empty. I wanted to pay my last respect, but the chemo itself has taken a lot of me. I just can wish that Allah will grant her Jannah, and forgive all her sins. She is a great person to most people, and I believed she got her part to die in Husnul Khotimah. Insha Allah.


Another note.. happy birthday to my beloved sister, Nur Amalina. or my son called her Ana, Nana. May your life filled with happiness, and Barakah from Allah S.W.T.  Love you so much Sis.

You know I love you so much Na..no matter what

Genap Setahun - Happy Anniversaries?

If you go through my last year writing, It has been 1 year and 1 month  when I 1st diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. Rasa macam mimpi je.


I remembered it was 29th September when the Doctor break the news to me. Now a year after, very much alive, with few treatments to go.  Till date I have 2 rounds of chemo left.  Can't wait to finish it.


And my only hope and wish that now everything will goes away. What I can do now despite of usaha and doa tanpa henti. And moga Allah perkenankan segala usahaku untuk sembuh. And tak sangka I have went this far. I am scared sometimes, to think how it will be for next year? Am I still gonna survive? Or how? Cause as you may aware, cancer cell can grow and spread very fast. When 1st diagnosed, I was confirmed with Stage 1b2, and when after 6 months, and when the recurrence started this April, suddenly it become 2b? And this is the desease that you can't tell, whether you will survive, or you will be okay, no doctor dare to say anything. They will see from time to time, and all is up to HIM.

Sometimes I just forgot, that I have these disease, seriously. And most people asked me, you look good or don't look that I have just had my chemo. To be frank, I am not trying to think about it so much. What I did that, I just go through it as another day of my life. Which sometimes you don't even remembered what has happened for the 36 years of your life. Like 1 of friend said, "1 step at the time".

And to people who just recently knows, sorry for not telling you guys. Since I also don't know how to break the news sometimes. Like "hey uols, long time didnt hear about you guys, and by the way I have cancer? Hu hu hu..

And to my dear friends and family out there, I am doing fine so far.. so do not worry too much. (And that is what I told my mom everytime she's feeling down looking at me. Usually people tends to get so emotional when I show my bald head. he he.. I'm doing fine guys.. really!


When I am all recovered from the side effects, I am all around, jumping here and there. Not literally jumping, but meaning I became more active. Client meeting, working, shopping and updating blog.. :P , which I think my doc will just geleng kepala sometimes when he asked me for an update.


I do have my down time. Not all the time I can be positive. After all I am just a human. Tetap ada rasa kesedihan tu.. Especially when you heard 1 by 1 story of my group support, some can't make it, and ada juga yg recurrrence, after being confirmed that they are clear from the tumour, then suddenly it came back? How devastated to hear all this.

And to see my son wiping my tears when I am in pain, its unbearable. He is just 3 years old, and yet have to bear with me being sick. I am so sorry I couldn't take care of you Sayang, like other mom does. I will make it up to you, when I am all well.. Promise..

Tapi dia pon macam paham.,.. sangat menyenangkan hati..tantrum tu sometimes standard lah. But he always smile, sometimes randomly kiss me, or laugh with me on something. He saw hubby massage me sometimes, and he will do that too, with his small little finger. Macam betul je gaya, sometimes jadi lawak coz after that he will wipe his eyes with the balm he used to massage, after that melalak..hahahaahaha. Kadang tengah kesakitan, and cried, tapi tetiba dia mcm buat lawak tak pasti, terus tak jadi nangis. He keep me busy, without me having a chance to be sad.  Really my penawar duka.. The video is him try to massage my feet.. hu hu

Through out the journey, I have experienced so many things, heard many survival stories, or not so survived part. People advise are coming all over, to ask me to try every single method  So many of it, and somehow I believed in most of it, trust me. I take most of the advice, and the fact that I went to see some of the kampung doctor tells my level of desperation to just try anything. Tried soursop, alkaline water, all sorts of herbs, just to name it a few.

I do believed in good eating habit,healthy diet,and you are what you eat. Drinks a lots of water. Yes, but this is more on prevention. You think what you will do, when you already have a bad cells in your body? Slow healing process, or cut it, with doc advise of chemotherapy and radiation as per main stream method?

I have a friend who does not goes to doctor, since she tried to go for all sorts of alternatives, rather than to seek for conventional treatment. Now she is in paliative care (meaning she already at Stage 4, with chemo to just reduce her pain,with few months left). When she first found out, same stage like mine, which is Stage 2, and almost the same time as mine.

Some of the advice will ask you to ditch some mainstream method, and go with all the natural healing /homeopathy or any sort of treatment that don't involve any  chemo or radiation.
Do they want to bear any consequence, like what my friend has experienced now? She has to suffer of the pain of  the tumor on her breast become bad, and docs can't do anything now, except to reduce her pain by giving some morphine or chemo to just give a bit of time. I wish if I knew it earlier, I can pujuk her to see the doctor. I feel so sad to hear about this.

I do believed we need to have both, hospital,and alternative. To support each other. Docs also don't stop you to take any extra measure, but not too much la.. Sampai nak operate secara batiniah. Haha... yang tu somehow till now I don't believed it.

So doakan kesihatan saya, and pray for to have more anniversaries too come, to celebrate. The fact that every prayer I asked Allah to give me Umur yg panjang, kesihatan yg lebih baik selepas ini, supaya I can get to take care of my Amanah(my son) from Allah S.W.T. Before I have him, I asked Allah for this Amanah,and he gave me, now what I asked is to have more time to jaga my Amanah dunia akhirat. sob sob

My Chemo Diary - Part IV

Today is my 8th day after the last chemo session. 2 cycles to go. I forgot how it felt, since it quite long break, and now since past few days after the chemo,  I am still a bit unwell.

First, until now I still experience diarrhea. It don't usually  last till 7-8 days, but somehow it does this time. Worried whether this is due to the side effects, or it is related to the typhoid break that happened recently. But I don't have fever, diarrhea, stomach cram ,seram sejuk kata org tua2. And I have noticed my face become swollen and I lost more hair. With makes me look weird without the eyebrow.  And I lost my hair on legs.. hair and even my eye lashes. It feels so weird. And I look like an alien. Luckily my tudung is covering my bald head. Last few nights my hubby touches my face and head.. like looking at me macam sedih kot.. tengok I have become like this. huhu

Yellow day today.. and with my swollen face.. mmg this time I look like muka sakit. hu hu

And since its the 4th time already, I guess the imune system has been wiped off, and I can be easily sick and hard to recover. I still feel weak till now, and lying down is such a blessed thing for me.


Luckily, I have my boss who really understand my situation. I don't feel good most of the time, and he keep telling me to go home if I don't feel well. Yeah, you not talking about common fever, or anything like that. Its chemotheraphy treatment okay. Which sometimes I also think from where all this strength come from?

I still have appetite, in fact I eat a lot. Which worries me also, since I need to lost weight. Gain weight for me it is not a healthy thing, since I am already overweight. The lots of appetite also can be due to the steroid that I am taking currently. Huhuhuhu

2 cycles to go.. and I will be free!!!