Sahil - First Birthday

Friday, 17 October 2014

Battling with Big C - Part 1

How to start this yeah.. it has been awhile since my last post, and since there are so many things happened recently that definitely change my life forever.

Let me throwback some of big things happened recently, As I feel like to keep track of everything(sort of diaries) and maybe my loves one got the chance to read this.. and knows what I have been through.. sob sob..

25th Sept 2014

I went for a visit to Gynae in Ramsay Sime Darby, after few times visit to my GP, and my current conditions is not improving. So, meet up with the Gynae, and explained to her what has happened, with the explanation from the referral letter itself. So, I was asked to lie down and take all the sample from me for pap smear test, and she explained saw some growth which looks like cauliflower, and my heart was thumping like hell. Her suspect when she saw my conditions, was either the condition is related to STD, or some growth can be fibroid or Cancer related., since she asked me to do the test for Clamydia as well. Inside my heart it is so hard to say its related to STD, as I know myself and hubby. But who knows, things can just happened.

I was so down and weak after the session with the doc, and my pants was soaking in blood, (blood running like a a broken pipe). Luckily I am wearing black, and try to walk slowly to the car and drive back home.  At home, I was sooo down, even Dr has not confirmed anything with me, since need to wait till Saturday or the following Monday for the result. But as if I have the sense already about this. Start googling on the cancer related, and stuff. I have told husband the whole story, and he just told me not to worry, nothing bad will happen.

26th - 28th Sept 2014

Nothing much happened. Just that told Mama about what happened, and she also telling me not to worry, and told me she experience almost the same thing 1 year after giving birth to my 3rd brother,and its not severe. I really really hope  nothing severe ..

29th Sept

I was so busy with my tender submission, and almost forgot about the result, since they suppose to call me on Saturday. Later in the afternoon, I have received the call from my gynae clinic and informed me result has been out. And they passed the phone to my Gynae and straight on the phone, she told me it is not good news! That I have active cancer cell in the sample. I was soo shocked, that I felt like fainted, and luckily there is a table in front of me to hold on, so that I wont felt down.

And I do not know what am I suppose to do, or to say, or to act, I was just asking her, "Then Dr, what will be next for me", with trembling voice. She striked me with another statement " Then you need to get your uterus removed la like this" I was like  " Whaaaaaaatt?" Then straight she said, "Ok,ok. Let me arrange the meeting with Dr Tan, the other specialist in the Gynae./cancer related. (to think of it.. how can she just update me through the phone? where is her empathy? have some mercy at least, when u want to break such a big news to a patient? **sigh deeply

After the phone call, Lin, my colleague saw me with my face changed, Brief her a bit what happened, and I left the meeting straight away. Along the way, I have tried to maintain my coolness  as much as I can, and still smiled and discuss a bit with the people in the meeting. I called my husband about the news, he drove (or more like flew to me, since within few mins only, and then he arrived to hospital).

So, Dr Tan has confirmed again the report, and asked me to do the MRI, for him to know how big is the growth.

My hubby hold my hands tightly, and keep telling me it is going to be okay. I can felt that he is so devastated as well, and hold his tears. We went back with after the MRI, and break the news to Mama. She was shocked, and start to think on worst already, and I have to calm her.  Like what about my son and what about her.. what about everything.  Huhuhu

Looking at my son, of course I am so devastated. My only son, my everything.  And I may not have the chance of seeing him growing. But put the negativity aside. Focus on the recover..Give some fighting chance for me to fight this battle. Insyaallah.

1st October

Met Dr Tan again. Based on the MRI report its confirmed that the tumour is around 6cm, (which I pray so much please let it be <4cm). So, this is to confirm that I have Stage 1b2 Cervical Cancer.

Then Dr suggested few options to go with. He do not advise Radiotherapy, since it will cause me menopause, and the effect of menopause that I couldn't bear. Scary to hear it at 1st. Then he suggested me to go with Chemo, to shrink the tumor, and will go for Surgery after that. But with the surgery (at this moment he doesn't  share type of surgery to be done) ,  and its still not confirmed that cancer will be cured totally and chances of getting another chemo and radiotherapy is high.
I was stunned.
As of now, I kind a accept the option, to go for surgery. Need to find another option. Went back go through the whole list of hospital that we can think of, and managed to call Hamid Arshat for appointment. But still doesnt feel right, since I need some Cancer specialist ( at this moment have not familiar with the term oncologist) expert. I have been asking around and people keep giving me the list of O&G specialist.

Stop thinking about my problem for awhile, and needto focus on my lil Payo and Hajj celebration.

To be continued...