Sahil - First Birthday

Friday, 14 August 2015

Feeling Better

Physically I am getting better. Whatever I had last week somehow all gone..except that tingling feeling on the nerves on my fingers and feet. And I did felt the numbness on my face sometimes. But apart from that, I am all well. Syukur alhamdulillah. Oh forgot.. apart from that, I start to loose hair as well. Thinking to bald my head again, before the hair fall become worst. huhuhu On the work matters, getting things slowly here. I mean, nothing much that I can do for now, except to understand the product offerings and all. Nak jumpa customer but x paham product pon susah jugak kan.. hi hi Yesterday I had experience to be stucked in the jam for 2 freaking hours! Nak keluar dari parking pon took me 1/2 hours. Gila sungguh! And people become so mean when they are stressed about jam. Accident because of semua pakat-pakat degil. Lawak la.. and menyusahkan orang lagi. Just one of you need to give up.. ni tak.. sama-sama nak menyesak masuk lane.. then boom! accident. I hope that I don't get stressed out a lot, coz seriously it is not good for my recovery. I can sense if I am stressed out, if I can feel my nerves on forehead, or eyes twitching, or pain on the shoulder. Which I had all that with my previous company.

Thursday, 6 August 2015

My chemo diaries - Part 1

I have to keep this, on the side effects of the chemotheraphy. Need to keep track on this, just in case.I need to understand how my body works on coping with the side effects of the chemotherapy.
1st day(Friday 31st July to Tues 04th Aug)- Side effect fatigue, constipation not feeling like myself, body aching, joint pain,can't control bladder
6th day (Wed) - Thurs - Side Effects : Fatigue, diarrhea, sweating excessively, joint pain, body aching, rashes, tingling feeling on the fingers and feet, nerve pain
8th day(Friday) - Tingling feelings on fingers and feet. sweating excessively, joint pain, diarrhea
Overall, it's a painful experience. To think of it. Up to the level I asked Allah to have mercy on me..As sometimes the pain is too much. Feels like dying.I will feel a bit better in the morning, and had all that painful effects later in the evening, and will continue till night. I thought the operation pain is worst, but this is beyond everything. Just imagine you have all the effects at the same times, nausea, sweating, diarrhea, fatigue, nerve pain, joint pain and the best you can do is to eat pain killer or try to sleep. And make it worst when you still working after taking your chemo. You try as much as you can to be normal.. but your body just can't take it sometimes. Few times I felt when tried to walk slowly to the surau, and try to grasp my breath. I thought I will be strong this time, since this is not the first time I had the chemo done. But woo.. it is not. Its too much to take. I asked Allah to put ease on it. Please Allah..make me strong. I am almost give up on my work few days back..and to the level that I asked Allah to take me pls. Tak tahan sangat. But after I cried, and asked for forgiveness, I felt a bit better. After you being sick, you appreciate all small things that you never think of before. Macam nikmat untuk berjalan macam biasa, nikmat tidor tanpa rasa sakit, Allah betapa kita terlepas pandang benda sekecil ini.. Ampuni aku Ya Allah

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Battling with Big C- Part 4

08th June,

Went to see few doctors to re-assure what will be next. First, Dato Dr.Siva from UM Specialist. Very soft spoken fellow, and listened to me carefully. By the way I was confused with the UM Specialist and PPUM as I thought there from the same building area. (UM Specialist is in the University Malaya anyway, behind the PJ guard entrance).

He can't give any answer at that point of time, and asked me to come over a day after. Meanwhile in the evening, I have set to meet up with another Dr. in PCMC, Dato Dr Aziz Yahya. Another well known specialist, in this field. Explained to him the chronology, and based on the report, he did mentioned its not going to be an easy task. But we will still try to work on it. And he listed down all the possibilities that can goes wrong.

But he still optimism. Nothing can beats doa and prayers. We will put our best effort on it. At least I felt a bit positive on this. After restless days thinking what will be next for me. We set the surgery on the 20th June

10th June,

Dr Siva has came back with similar answer with Dr Tan, its difficult to do it for me. Can't really see the chances its will not come back. 2. risk as I had chemoradiation last time. 3. I am overweight, so chances of recurrence is high.

13th June

Went for some alternative treatment, just to try out something else rather than doc's practice. We went next day (Sunday) and by 10 am already full of people who came around Malaysia. So, many of them, with so many type of deseases. And luckily without the no. I managed to get the slot from him, and experience how it works. He asked me to lie down and press my uterus like nobody business. I was screaming out loud, and then he tried to take out the so called tumour using his hand (invisibily). And said "OK dah takde dah ni, cyst ni. I was a bit confused, since I explained to him it was cancer, not just some cyst. He said " Can check /scan if don't believed.

Straight after the session, we went back to KL and arrange for another MRI scan. And the result? It is still there with extra 1cm growth, and now spread to other lymph nodes. What the.."That's it, we will just go with the surgery", husband said.

The waiting moment before the surgery was scary as ever. I can't sleep, thinking what will be the worst could happen to me. And I just pray and pray and pray things will go smoothly. Worst com to worst, I wil die in month of barakah (Ramadhan month). Hu hu..




20th June.

The time has come. I am pyhsically well. But emotion all ups and down, and trying hard to calm myself. The whole process took like 6 hours, and woke up at 8pm, with all the dizziness, and uncomfortable feeling. I had this morphine to reduce any pain I had. And next few days still lying on the bed. 

The whole process of recovery is according to the plan. Started walking, taking shower, and took liquid stuff. In away, all went well.

Counting days to go home. 

1 thing I am glad, is to have my husband,family and friends all around me. Only Allah could repay their goodness and prayers. 


Some of the time during hospitalization..


Still control macho..

Schoolmates.. tq sgt korang..muahx

Rainreenrarah.. Missed the Makreen n Zahrain pic..dah leka menyembang..

Got playroom near by the ward.. Everytime visit Ammi sick nak pegi "ABC"

My supermom..accompany me during buka puasa with KLCC view..(mcm la anak dia puasa)..but still wants to be there for me..Love u so much ma..



That Scary feeling


Wow.. berabuk my blog... its has been awhile.. and so many things had happen to me.. First, I thought that 2015 will be a better year to me.... but I am still been tested with so many things in my life.

This happened in May 2015 btw..

With my recent termination with my company, with the so called RRP program they announced. Kind a expecting it,since my MC record was not so good, with all the hospitalization and stuff. Even they said nothing to do with my illness. But hey, come on, I have tried to put my self in their shoes. Company is not doing good with so many losses reported, and you need to get rid of people. Who will be the best bet? With me which will be mc's most of the time, and with no good account?(as what they refer?) or some fresh grads that they can pushes their asses to do most of the work, without any issue.

Yeah.. you know the answer.


Well, that is not my worst nightmare yet. Since, its feels like holiday, and I have got the payment for next 6 months in hand. The worst thing had just happened to me last week.

I had to do this MRI again, after last appointment with my Dr. azriff, on my latest progress on my tumor. Last time its has been static, with 1.9cm (almost 2) size of the tumor. After 1 and half month of not doing much, except for going to Darul syifa and drinking some alkaline water, my tumor has been increased to 3 cm now. It some how shows some progression on the tumor, with the possibility of the new spread on my left lymph nodes.

I was okay when Dr Azriff told me that, even its a bit hard to take, no doubt a surgery is required this time. And already get my mental ready for it. Then I went to Dr Tan at SJMC, which I have already plan to tell him, "okay doc let do it! Lets remove the uterus!Then another shocked thing happened. He did not want to do it, 1. Not so good margin as he said. 2. It will be more complex than before. 3. It will effect my bladder and I may not urine as usual?

He suggested to do chemotherapy instead, with no assurance if the tumor will be gone.  I was burst in tears after came out from the SJMC, and I know my hubby is devastated as well. Can see from the way he wants to barge in to doc Azrif clinic straight away. Hu hu..


End May 2015,

Tried to go for short break,, and nothing beats the feeling of seeing this 1 guy so enjoying his road trip.

With his favorite guy.. Acu Man

He tries to run away from the doreamon..hihi