Sahil - First Birthday

Monday, 21 September 2015

My Chemo Diary Part III

It's the 3rd cycle now, and yes,I am still in pain. I have 3 cycles to go. Which I wondered when it will finish? Like never ending story. Seriously its unbearable sometimes. There is time that I am quite fine, like the next day after chemo I can spend the time with my siblings at the mall, and I am okay with it. And there is time that I can't even walk properly. Like you have the numbness all over your body, and every time you try to take the step, it's just too painful. I thought that I understand my body well, but still.. Now also when trying to type something on the laptop also can be so much painful.

I always wondered, like last time I saw people went for chemotheraphy and most of them have to walk using sticks, and makes me wondered is it that bad? Now totally understand the feelings, its just that I feel a bit shy or maybe I think I am too cool to use it? blerrgh.. There is the time when I am sweating all over since I was pushing myself very hard to walk around the mall. I was at the mall looking for hubby's gift, and I felt like fainting already. hu hu hu

I have spent few days just at home, with my son accompany me. Pity him that he needs to be more independence at his young age. There is time I was fall asleep, and he just sat beside me doing his own thing. And sometimes, he tried to feed himself by climbing on the table, and grab the food on his own, and sit on the table quitely. Oh sayang Ammi, how much you have grown, and Ammi feel so bad not able to take care of you... I am so sorry Sayang.

During my recovery, manage to catch Payo doing his prayer.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Letter to my Sahil Put Put

It has been a while I haven't write anything about you. I am so sorry Sayang.. I know my sickness took a lot of things from you.. the full attention the care that you should get. I am caught up with all this sickness and work but believed me, there is not one bit I am not thinking about you Sayang Ammi.

I am consistently thinking of you, should I send you to school, or what I get you for your birthday, or should you stay with Papa, or Aunty Mona, if Ammi can't take care of you., or where I should bring you when I feel a bit better. Every. Single. Time. Only think about you.

Now you are almost 3 years old. In 2 weeks time. Should we have some big party for you? I don't know Sayang. Really. My worries if I don't do big party, I don't even know if I got the chance to it for you next time. But in the meantime, my health is not that permitted for me just to do anything. That need to be considered too. Or just buy you some big expensive stuff? Like tricycle maybe? He he.


Nowadays, you have this weird smile, every time when you are a bit controlling about yourself

And I am so worried about you got caught up with tab/gadget, and sometimes Ammi had to be harsh on you. Don't be mad at Ammi.. Ammi just wants to make you see there are a lot of beautiful things outside, rather than the gadget.  The good thing you learn a lot from gadget:. You learn colors, counting, ABC, all from there. You can sing a song, all from the children's rhyme on Youtube, You can even play sorting color yourself, which you learned from youtube. And smart enough to play all this games which I also wondered, how you know that button is for what? I am amazed sometimes. You know how to search 'Pocoyo', upin ipin or spiderman based on what? The history search? How do you know the exact pocoyo word?
And you can find his favorite video about this Toys thingy.. which I don't even know where to find.

The bad thing about this gadget is when you got too caught up with it and don't care with your environment. And its bad up to the level I have to feed you while you are watching youtube. Not good sayang.. not good.

And you have grown so much, become taller and taller. I guess it's from Papa's gene. But you are still very thin, and people always thought that I don't feed you a lot. The problem is, you hate MILK. The only milk that you want to have is the chocolate milk. And since you stop breastfeeding, your weight dropped. This gives me headache. I have to chase you around just to make sure you eat something at least. Ha ha. Yes, a lot of patience. But Ammi got to do what I have to do.

You have this habit sometimes when I closed the light and you started to climb on me and look at my face and kiss my forehead, or my cheek. I think just to be sure that I am asleep? Which makes me smile sometimes, and laughed too. Cause I try to hold myself from laughing at you. Another habit, you like to sing when before you go to sleep.. and sing until you fall asleep.

I always have you in my prayers. To have the opportunity to raise you to be a well being grown man, a great Moslem, with so much love to your Protector, your Prophet, and so much love & respect to your parents and family. I have asked for you before I had you. Now I asked Allah to give me the opportunity to be with you long enough. He is the Most Merciful, will always heard us, InshaAllah.

I will try to make you more independence, strong, grounded, and always grateful with what you have. So that when I am not around, you know how to survive in this world.

Me and Papa love you with all my heart, and no words can describe the love that we had for you, up to the level we named the company after you, Every single username, we put your name, even our wi-fi also is named after you. :D

So, remember this, every time you feeling down and sad, remember all the love that we had for you, all the good memories, and turn to Him whenever you feel down. Hope it will calm you a bit.

Love you so much..

This was last year I think..chubby sikit

Pic yg paling decent and encem for me.. haha

Apahal la anak oii.. comot

Friday, 4 September 2015

My Chemo Diaries - Part II & Papa Birthday Celebration

Alhamdulillah, despite things that happened to me that made me have to postpone my chemotherapy for 2nd round, I had recovered well this time. I have very bad fever a day before the scheduled chemotherapy. And the next day, before the chemo start, they have to stop me from continuing the chemotheraphy, as my fever keeps coming back, and it's around 39-40 all on and off. A lot of chaos that weekend, rush to emergency, and Payo also not so well, diarrhea and vomiting, (and he vomits in the new car! and up to the level I have to hold his vomit with my hand). Kereta boleh cuci.. anak sakit? huhuhu.. I am so worried, with me myself not well, and him too. Oh the way, I am totally bald, like totally no hair. Its felt like so easily this time. Tarik je abis gugur.. And tak tahu lah bila nak tumbuh balik this time. Macam takde harapan nak ada rambut je..huhu

Cucuk Sana cucuk sini
Muka tahan sakit.. huhu

Now I feel that I understand well on my body, the reaction, and stuffs. Now I feel a bit in control. Or maybe the 1st time chemo, its a bit shocked and overwhelmed a bit, to have all this drugs destroying your good and bad cells. And I foresee that Allah never failed to answer our prayers. Seriously, some of the times that I can't take it, and he will grant you the wish. He makes me thinks of ways to made me understand my body better, and I am in control. And sometimes its out of hand cause you know you shouldn't take certain things, but still stubborn, and you've to deal lah with the consequence. I remember this words from friend of mine, who are in the same situation as mine. She said "Anura, masa ni awak mintaklah kat Allah what ever you wants, cause we are in a special state that ALLAH will listen to you, and grant your wish". I hold that words. And Alhamdullilah, I see all the blessing. Like being sick, but never feel so calm. I am more calm that how I used to. Tak rasa runsing, I take every single moment as a blessing in my life. And not to worries over small things.

 Just some highlight of what happened yesterday. (03rd Sept)

Birthday Papa. Nothing much, some small celebration from me and Payo. Takde plan apa-apa pon. But turn out to be short and sweet. Buy hubby cake and gift, and we went for dinner at his new found favorite place. #sheeshmahal All in all, we are blessed, despite of all the challenges that we have been through. Doakan semoga kebahagiaan ini berterusan.. Inshallah.. Ameen

By the way, muka macam nampak sihat..but  before that I was feeling so unwell.. Chemo effect buat hal sangat. I can't walk properly, sweating macam hape..and I took the time and take rest. Nasib okay.. (But Papa punya pasal..tahan je lah).

Anak yg over
Buah Hati...
Dah lama x tangkap pic berduaan..
Love you guys..
Sedap sgt..
Happy Birthday Papa