Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Genap Setahun - Happy Anniversaries?

If you go through my last year writing, It has been 1 year and 1 month  when I 1st diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. Rasa macam mimpi je.

I remembered it was 29th September when the Doctor break the news to me. Now a year after, very much alive, with few treatments to go.  Till date I have 2 rounds of chemo left.  Can't wait to finish it.

And my only hope and wish that now everything will goes away. What I can do now despite of usaha and doa tanpa henti. And moga Allah perkenankan segala usahaku untuk sembuh. And tak sangka I have went this far. I am scared sometimes, to think how it will be for next year? Am I still gonna survive? Or how? Cause as you may aware, cancer cell can grow and spread very fast. When 1st diagnosed, I was confirmed with Stage 1b2, and when after 6 months, and when the recurrence started this April, suddenly it become 2b? And this is the desease that you can't tell, whether you will survive, or you will be okay, no doctor dare to say anything. They will see from time to time, and all is up to HIM.

Sometimes I just forgot, that I have these disease, seriously. And most people asked me, you look good or don't look that I have just had my chemo. To be frank, I am not trying to think about it so much. What I did that, I just go through it as another day of my life. Which sometimes you don't even remembered what has happened for the 36 years of your life. Like 1 of friend said, "1 step at the time".

And to people who just recently knows, sorry for not telling you guys. Since I also don't know how to break the news sometimes. Like "hey uols, long time didnt hear about you guys, and by the way I have cancer? Hu hu hu..

And to my dear friends and family out there, I am doing fine so far.. so do not worry too much. (And that is what I told my mom everytime she's feeling down looking at me. Usually people tends to get so emotional when I show my bald head. he he.. I'm doing fine guys.. really!

When I am all recovered from the side effects, I am all around, jumping here and there. Not literally jumping, but meaning I became more active. Client meeting, working, shopping and updating blog.. :P , which I think my doc will just geleng kepala sometimes when he asked me for an update.

I do have my down time. Not all the time I can be positive. After all I am just a human. Tetap ada rasa kesedihan tu.. Especially when you heard 1 by 1 story of my group support, some can't make it, and ada juga yg recurrrence, after being confirmed that they are clear from the tumour, then suddenly it came back? How devastated to hear all this.

And to see my son wiping my tears when I am in pain, its unbearable. He is just 3 years old, and yet have to bear with me being sick. I am so sorry I couldn't take care of you Sayang, like other mom does. I will make it up to you, when I am all well.. Promise..

Tapi dia pon macam paham.,.. sangat menyenangkan hati..tantrum tu sometimes standard lah. But he always smile, sometimes randomly kiss me, or laugh with me on something. He saw hubby massage me sometimes, and he will do that too, with his small little finger. Macam betul je gaya, sometimes jadi lawak coz after that he will wipe his eyes with the balm he used to massage, after that melalak..hahahaahaha. Kadang tengah kesakitan, and cried, tapi tetiba dia mcm buat lawak tak pasti, terus tak jadi nangis. He keep me busy, without me having a chance to be sad.  Really my penawar duka.. The video is him try to massage my feet.. hu hu

Through out the journey, I have experienced so many things, heard many survival stories, or not so survived part. People advise are coming all over, to ask me to try every single method  So many of it, and somehow I believed in most of it, trust me. I take most of the advice, and the fact that I went to see some of the kampung doctor tells my level of desperation to just try anything. Tried soursop, alkaline water, all sorts of herbs, just to name it a few.

I do believed in good eating habit,healthy diet,and you are what you eat. Drinks a lots of water. Yes, but this is more on prevention. You think what you will do, when you already have a bad cells in your body? Slow healing process, or cut it, with doc advise of chemotherapy and radiation as per main stream method?

I have a friend who does not goes to doctor, since she tried to go for all sorts of alternatives, rather than to seek for conventional treatment. Now she is in paliative care (meaning she already at Stage 4, with chemo to just reduce her pain,with few months left). When she first found out, same stage like mine, which is Stage 2, and almost the same time as mine.

Some of the advice will ask you to ditch some mainstream method, and go with all the natural healing /homeopathy or any sort of treatment that don't involve any  chemo or radiation.
Do they want to bear any consequence, like what my friend has experienced now? She has to suffer of the pain of  the tumor on her breast become bad, and docs can't do anything now, except to reduce her pain by giving some morphine or chemo to just give a bit of time. I wish if I knew it earlier, I can pujuk her to see the doctor. I feel so sad to hear about this.

I do believed we need to have both, hospital,and alternative. To support each other. Docs also don't stop you to take any extra measure, but not too much la.. Sampai nak operate secara batiniah. Haha... yang tu somehow till now I don't believed it.

So doakan kesihatan saya, and pray for to have more anniversaries too come, to celebrate. The fact that every prayer I asked Allah to give me Umur yg panjang, kesihatan yg lebih baik selepas ini, supaya I can get to take care of my Amanah(my son) from Allah S.W.T. Before I have him, I asked Allah for this Amanah,and he gave me, now what I asked is to have more time to jaga my Amanah dunia akhirat. sob sob

Friday, 23 October 2015

My Chemo Diary - Part IV

Today is my 8th day after the last chemo session. 2 cycles to go. I forgot how it felt, since it quite long break, and now since past few days after the chemo,  I am still a bit unwell.

First, until now I still experience diarrhea. It don't usually  last till 7-8 days, but somehow it does this time. Worried whether this is due to the side effects, or it is related to the typhoid break that happened recently. But I don't have fever, diarrhea, stomach cram ,seram sejuk kata org tua2. And I have noticed my face become swollen and I lost more hair. With makes me look weird without the eyebrow.  And I lost my hair on legs.. hair and even my eye lashes. It feels so weird. And I look like an alien. Luckily my tudung is covering my bald head. Last few nights my hubby touches my face and head.. like looking at me macam sedih kot.. tengok I have become like this. huhu
Yellow day today.. and with my swollen face.. mmg this time I look like muka sakit. hu hu

And since its the 4th time already, I guess the imune system has been wiped off, and I can be easily sick and hard to recover. I still feel weak till now, and lying down is such a blessed thing for me.

Luckily, I have my boss who really understand my situation. I don't feel good most of the time, and he keep telling me to go home if I don't feel well. Yeah, you not talking about common fever, or anything like that. Its chemotheraphy treatment okay. Which sometimes I also think from where all this strength come from?

I still have appetite, in fact I eat a lot. Which worries me also, since I need to lost weight. Gain weight for me it is not a healthy thing, since I am already overweight. The lots of appetite also can be due to the steroid that I am taking currently. Huhuhuhu

2 cycles to go.. and I will be free!!!

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

Happy 3rd Birthday Son..

Had nothing fancy this year, since Ammi a bit caught up with the treatment and have the plan to do all big this year, by the time nak buat.. time too short. So end up just treat family at the small cafe at the Space U8 called Desa Rasa, and bring you and your sisters and Acu Man to Amanville. Can see you had such a great time there. I guess the highlight is you playing non-stop there, and all your loves one are there for you.

Some of the pic that day..

The Birthday Boy..

We love you so muucch!

Malu kambeng plak dia

Yup.. hantu kek

Sedara Papa

Sedara Ammi

Adik-adik iparku..

Amboi kakak..Smpi terbalik