Final Chemo & treatment for the Year!

My 6th and last chemo happened on the 1st week of December..

I am sooo a excited, all the mixed feeling, to think that this will be my final nightmare. I just can't wait to end all this. Whoever has gone through chemo period, knows how nightmare it is the whole experience. And I am all dressed up to celebrate the fact that all this will be over soon!


But its never being easy for me. At this very last session, my nurse break the news that my red count is so low, and I am not enough of iron? So, they don't want to proceed the chemo, until my oncologist said so. I was soo worried, if they said they have to postpone it. And I don't want to prolong my agony of these chemo experience. "Please Allah", I prayed, with non-stop reciting 1 part of ayat "La Ila ha Illa anta, Subhanakailmi, Kumtum minazzolimin" (Ayat to recite when you are in trouble).

Then doctor said, just proceed, seems physically I look all well. They will just have to take extra pre -caution later. Alhamdulillah.

The next day, I went again for some celebration for cancer patients..But to me its more like to celebrate my final treatment. Glad to see some familiar faces. And hope there will be more celebration to go. InshaAllah

The effect of final chemo is worst this time. (I guess, since immune system already at 0 level, so it will just make everything extra worst). Numbness, body ache, vomiting(something I never experience before this),and numbness until I can't feel my face. (until now in fact). And don't talk about hairs. Every single possible hairs on my body are all gone. I don't even have eye lashes now, and have to wear specs, to cover all dust that came through my eyes. But I do feels  my skin  soft and smooth, like a baby. They said that;s also the effects of chemo. (the only 1 good effect I guess).

And few days after the chemo, my husband fall sick. He got fever, lost appetite, body aching. I can sense its more like dengue. Keep telling him to drink more water, and my making and effort to do the papaya leaves juice for him. And yet, he don't drink it. And its all wasted. Hu hu hu.

Its has been long cuti for Selangor people.. Due to Sultan's Birthday and Selangor won the Malaysia Cup, and yet my whole weekend spent with back and forth to hospital. hu hu hu.

And soon after that, I fall sick. I guess because of me spending my time more in hospital, and with all germs and bacteria.. and with no defense system in my body,, of course..huhu

My cough sounds so bad, that people look at me scary.. and I really hope can get all recovered before my trip. My trip to where? Insha Allah I will reveal to you soon,, if all goes smoothly with Allah permit.

Till then.. Illalliqaaaa''''( See you soon)


AmmiSahil

My Chemo Diary - Part V

Its my 5th cycle of chemo, and it has been quite hectic week for me.

First, the messed up schedule.
I was not aware that my chemo schedule has been set a day earlier, until I saw the date on my appointment book. I have planned it well to have it days before Deepavali, so that I can have long break, and rest. Buuuuttt the nurse has messed up with the date, that cause me to have to reschedule the chemo, and apart from that whatever I have planned for my work all messed up. And to reduce the stress I had hubby suggested to go for short trip, just to makes me feels better. Hu hu..thanks hubby.

Runcing je tgn tu nak ambil Stobewi Ammi.. he he he

Muka sama tak.. :P

Anak Papa

 <3 familia

So I have to do it last Friday, with few days apart from my trip to Kemaman. Allahu.. I prayed for everything goes smoothly, hope nothing bad happened, The journey, the presentation and all. Alhamdulillah.. nasib baik all went well, apart from the scary hujan lebat.

Sky so clear..this is before heavy rain from Karak all the way to KL..

On top of that, I have to pay in full for my previous chemo session, because of the changed of date I have requested previously. Duit terbang lagi! Hadoih.. Nasib boleh claim..


The side effects is still the same.. and so much of body aching, since I have to travel to Kemaman. I don't even have all the energy.. I am seriously pushing my body to the limit. Dengan si bujang kecik meragam pulak. Nampak kita semua tak kena. Nak manja..nak pujuk.. Dengan Omma dia je elok je.. haih la anak. He can be so much understanding, especially when I looked sick, but sometimes he can just be so much clingy too.  This morning I have told him I have to go to work. His reply " Ammi, don't go to work, stay with me". I wish I can Sayang..huhu.. Ammi with all the sickness still work like crazy. I love working. It makes me content. But my energy level really goes down the drain. Hu Hu..Ya Allah...Permudahkan lah Segala Urusan

Another Sad note, my friend that I have mentioned earlier in my previous post. She passed away on my chemo day. It was very sad news, up to the level I cried to myself, and thinking if next is me, am I ready? I feel soo empty. I wanted to pay my last respect, but the chemo itself has taken a lot of me. I just can wish that Allah will grant her Jannah, and forgive all her sins. She is a great person to most people, and I believed she got her part to die in Husnul Khotimah. Insha Allah.


Another note.. happy birthday to my beloved sister, Nur Amalina. or my son called her Ana, Nana. May your life filled with happiness, and Barakah from Allah S.W.T.  Love you so much Sis.

You know I love you so much Na..no matter what

Genap Setahun - Happy Anniversaries?

If you go through my last year writing, It has been 1 year and 1 month  when I 1st diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. Rasa macam mimpi je.


I remembered it was 29th September when the Doctor break the news to me. Now a year after, very much alive, with few treatments to go.  Till date I have 2 rounds of chemo left.  Can't wait to finish it.


And my only hope and wish that now everything will goes away. What I can do now despite of usaha and doa tanpa henti. And moga Allah perkenankan segala usahaku untuk sembuh. And tak sangka I have went this far. I am scared sometimes, to think how it will be for next year? Am I still gonna survive? Or how? Cause as you may aware, cancer cell can grow and spread very fast. When 1st diagnosed, I was confirmed with Stage 1b2, and when after 6 months, and when the recurrence started this April, suddenly it become 2b? And this is the desease that you can't tell, whether you will survive, or you will be okay, no doctor dare to say anything. They will see from time to time, and all is up to HIM.

Sometimes I just forgot, that I have these disease, seriously. And most people asked me, you look good or don't look that I have just had my chemo. To be frank, I am not trying to think about it so much. What I did that, I just go through it as another day of my life. Which sometimes you don't even remembered what has happened for the 36 years of your life. Like 1 of friend said, "1 step at the time".

And to people who just recently knows, sorry for not telling you guys. Since I also don't know how to break the news sometimes. Like "hey uols, long time didnt hear about you guys, and by the way I have cancer? Hu hu hu..

And to my dear friends and family out there, I am doing fine so far.. so do not worry too much. (And that is what I told my mom everytime she's feeling down looking at me. Usually people tends to get so emotional when I show my bald head. he he.. I'm doing fine guys.. really!


When I am all recovered from the side effects, I am all around, jumping here and there. Not literally jumping, but meaning I became more active. Client meeting, working, shopping and updating blog.. :P , which I think my doc will just geleng kepala sometimes when he asked me for an update.


I do have my down time. Not all the time I can be positive. After all I am just a human. Tetap ada rasa kesedihan tu.. Especially when you heard 1 by 1 story of my group support, some can't make it, and ada juga yg recurrrence, after being confirmed that they are clear from the tumour, then suddenly it came back? How devastated to hear all this.

And to see my son wiping my tears when I am in pain, its unbearable. He is just 3 years old, and yet have to bear with me being sick. I am so sorry I couldn't take care of you Sayang, like other mom does. I will make it up to you, when I am all well.. Promise..

Tapi dia pon macam paham.,.. sangat menyenangkan hati..tantrum tu sometimes standard lah. But he always smile, sometimes randomly kiss me, or laugh with me on something. He saw hubby massage me sometimes, and he will do that too, with his small little finger. Macam betul je gaya, sometimes jadi lawak coz after that he will wipe his eyes with the balm he used to massage, after that melalak..hahahaahaha. Kadang tengah kesakitan, and cried, tapi tetiba dia mcm buat lawak tak pasti, terus tak jadi nangis. He keep me busy, without me having a chance to be sad.  Really my penawar duka.. The video is him try to massage my feet.. hu hu

Through out the journey, I have experienced so many things, heard many survival stories, or not so survived part. People advise are coming all over, to ask me to try every single method  So many of it, and somehow I believed in most of it, trust me. I take most of the advice, and the fact that I went to see some of the kampung doctor tells my level of desperation to just try anything. Tried soursop, alkaline water, all sorts of herbs, just to name it a few.

I do believed in good eating habit,healthy diet,and you are what you eat. Drinks a lots of water. Yes, but this is more on prevention. You think what you will do, when you already have a bad cells in your body? Slow healing process, or cut it, with doc advise of chemotherapy and radiation as per main stream method?

I have a friend who does not goes to doctor, since she tried to go for all sorts of alternatives, rather than to seek for conventional treatment. Now she is in paliative care (meaning she already at Stage 4, with chemo to just reduce her pain,with few months left). When she first found out, same stage like mine, which is Stage 2, and almost the same time as mine.

Some of the advice will ask you to ditch some mainstream method, and go with all the natural healing /homeopathy or any sort of treatment that don't involve any  chemo or radiation.
Do they want to bear any consequence, like what my friend has experienced now? She has to suffer of the pain of  the tumor on her breast become bad, and docs can't do anything now, except to reduce her pain by giving some morphine or chemo to just give a bit of time. I wish if I knew it earlier, I can pujuk her to see the doctor. I feel so sad to hear about this.

I do believed we need to have both, hospital,and alternative. To support each other. Docs also don't stop you to take any extra measure, but not too much la.. Sampai nak operate secara batiniah. Haha... yang tu somehow till now I don't believed it.

So doakan kesihatan saya, and pray for to have more anniversaries too come, to celebrate. The fact that every prayer I asked Allah to give me Umur yg panjang, kesihatan yg lebih baik selepas ini, supaya I can get to take care of my Amanah(my son) from Allah S.W.T. Before I have him, I asked Allah for this Amanah,and he gave me, now what I asked is to have more time to jaga my Amanah dunia akhirat. sob sob

My Chemo Diary - Part IV

Today is my 8th day after the last chemo session. 2 cycles to go. I forgot how it felt, since it quite long break, and now since past few days after the chemo,  I am still a bit unwell.

First, until now I still experience diarrhea. It don't usually  last till 7-8 days, but somehow it does this time. Worried whether this is due to the side effects, or it is related to the typhoid break that happened recently. But I don't have fever, diarrhea, stomach cram ,seram sejuk kata org tua2. And I have noticed my face become swollen and I lost more hair. With makes me look weird without the eyebrow.  And I lost my hair on legs.. hair and even my eye lashes. It feels so weird. And I look like an alien. Luckily my tudung is covering my bald head. Last few nights my hubby touches my face and head.. like looking at me macam sedih kot.. tengok I have become like this. huhu

Yellow day today.. and with my swollen face.. mmg this time I look like muka sakit. hu hu

And since its the 4th time already, I guess the imune system has been wiped off, and I can be easily sick and hard to recover. I still feel weak till now, and lying down is such a blessed thing for me.


Luckily, I have my boss who really understand my situation. I don't feel good most of the time, and he keep telling me to go home if I don't feel well. Yeah, you not talking about common fever, or anything like that. Its chemotheraphy treatment okay. Which sometimes I also think from where all this strength come from?

I still have appetite, in fact I eat a lot. Which worries me also, since I need to lost weight. Gain weight for me it is not a healthy thing, since I am already overweight. The lots of appetite also can be due to the steroid that I am taking currently. Huhuhuhu

2 cycles to go.. and I will be free!!!

Happy 3rd Birthday Son..

Had nothing fancy this year, since Ammi a bit caught up with the treatment and have the plan to do all big this year, by the time nak buat.. time too short. So end up just treat family at the small cafe at the Space U8 called Desa Rasa, and bring you and your sisters and Acu Man to Amanville. Can see you had such a great time there. I guess the highlight is you playing non-stop there, and all your loves one are there for you.


Some of the pic that day..

The Birthday Boy..

We love you so muucch!

Malu kambeng plak dia

Yup.. hantu kek

Sedara Papa

Sedara Ammi

Adik-adik iparku..

Amboi kakak..Smpi terbalik

My Chemo Diary Part III

It's the 3rd cycle now, and yes,I am still in pain. I have 3 cycles to go. Which I wondered when it will finish? Like never ending story. Seriously its unbearable sometimes. There is time that I am quite fine, like the next day after chemo I can spend the time with my siblings at the mall, and I am okay with it. And there is time that I can't even walk properly. Like you have the numbness all over your body, and every time you try to take the step, it's just too painful. I thought that I understand my body well, but still.. Now also when trying to type something on the laptop also can be so much painful.

I always wondered, like last time I saw people went for chemotheraphy and most of them have to walk using sticks, and makes me wondered is it that bad? Now totally understand the feelings, its just that I feel a bit shy or maybe I think I am too cool to use it? blerrgh.. There is the time when I am sweating all over since I was pushing myself very hard to walk around the mall. I was at the mall looking for hubby's gift, and I felt like fainting already. hu hu hu

I have spent few days just at home, with my son accompany me. Pity him that he needs to be more independence at his young age. There is time I was fall asleep, and he just sat beside me doing his own thing. And sometimes, he tried to feed himself by climbing on the table, and grab the food on his own, and sit on the table quitely. Oh sayang Ammi, how much you have grown, and Ammi feel so bad not able to take care of you... I am so sorry Sayang.

During my recovery, manage to catch Payo doing his prayer.

Letter to my Sahil Put Put

It has been a while I haven't write anything about you. I am so sorry Sayang.. I know my sickness took a lot of things from you.. the full attention the care that you should get. I am caught up with all this sickness and work but believed me, there is not one bit I am not thinking about you Sayang Ammi.

I am consistently thinking of you, should I send you to school, or what I get you for your birthday, or should you stay with Papa, or Aunty Mona, if Ammi can't take care of you., or where I should bring you when I feel a bit better. Every. Single. Time. Only think about you.

Now you are almost 3 years old. In 2 weeks time. Should we have some big party for you? I don't know Sayang. Really. My worries if I don't do big party, I don't even know if I got the chance to it for you next time. But in the meantime, my health is not that permitted for me just to do anything. That need to be considered too. Or just buy you some big expensive stuff? Like tricycle maybe? He he.

.

Nowadays, you have this weird smile, every time when you are a bit controlling about yourself

And I am so worried about you got caught up with tab/gadget, and sometimes Ammi had to be harsh on you. Don't be mad at Ammi.. Ammi just wants to make you see there are a lot of beautiful things outside, rather than the gadget.  The good thing you learn a lot from gadget:. You learn colors, counting, ABC, all from there. You can sing a song, all from the children's rhyme on Youtube, You can even play sorting color yourself, which you learned from youtube. And smart enough to play all this games which I also wondered, how you know that button is for what? I am amazed sometimes. You know how to search 'Pocoyo', upin ipin or spiderman based on what? The history search? How do you know the exact pocoyo word?
And you can find his favorite video about this Toys thingy.. which I don't even know where to find.

The bad thing about this gadget is when you got too caught up with it and don't care with your environment. And its bad up to the level I have to feed you while you are watching youtube. Not good sayang.. not good.



And you have grown so much, become taller and taller. I guess it's from Papa's gene. But you are still very thin, and people always thought that I don't feed you a lot. The problem is, you hate MILK. The only milk that you want to have is the chocolate milk. And since you stop breastfeeding, your weight dropped. This gives me headache. I have to chase you around just to make sure you eat something at least. Ha ha. Yes, a lot of patience. But Ammi got to do what I have to do.


You have this habit sometimes when I closed the light and you started to climb on me and look at my face and kiss my forehead, or my cheek. I think just to be sure that I am asleep? Which makes me smile sometimes, and laughed too. Cause I try to hold myself from laughing at you. Another habit, you like to sing when before you go to sleep.. and sing until you fall asleep.

I always have you in my prayers. To have the opportunity to raise you to be a well being grown man, a great Moslem, with so much love to your Protector, your Prophet, and so much love & respect to your parents and family. I have asked for you before I had you. Now I asked Allah to give me the opportunity to be with you long enough. He is the Most Merciful, will always heard us, InshaAllah.

I will try to make you more independence, strong, grounded, and always grateful with what you have. So that when I am not around, you know how to survive in this world.

Me and Papa love you with all my heart, and no words can describe the love that we had for you, up to the level we named the company after you, Every single username, we put your name, even our wi-fi also is named after you. :D

So, remember this, every time you feeling down and sad, remember all the love that we had for you, all the good memories, and turn to Him whenever you feel down. Hope it will calm you a bit.

Love you so much..

AmmiSahil

This was last year I think..chubby sikit

Pic yg paling decent and encem for me.. haha

Apahal la anak oii..

Yup..so comot

My Chemo Diaries - Part II & Papa Birthday Celebration

Alhamdulillah, despite things that happened to me that made me have to postpone my chemotherapy for 2nd round, I had recovered well this time. I have very bad fever a day before the scheduled chemotherapy. And the next day, before the chemo start, they have to stop me from continuing the chemotheraphy, as my fever keeps coming back, and it's around 39-40 all on and off. A lot of chaos that weekend, rush to emergency, and Payo also not so well, diarrhea and vomiting, (and he vomits in the new car! and up to the level I have to hold his vomit with my hand). Kereta boleh cuci.. anak sakit? huhuhu.. I am so worried, with me myself not well, and him too. Oh ya..by the way, I am totally bald, like totally no hair. Its felt like so easily this time. Tarik je abis gugur.. And tak tahu lah bila nak tumbuh balik this time. Macam takde harapan nak ada rambut je..huhu

Cucuk Sana cucuk sini

Muka tahan sakit.. huhu

Now I feel that I understand well on my body, the reaction, and stuffs. Now I feel a bit in control. Or maybe the 1st time chemo, its a bit shocked and overwhelmed a bit, to have all this drugs destroying your good and bad cells. And I foresee that Allah never failed to answer our prayers. Seriously, some of the times that I can't take it, and he will grant you the wish. He makes me thinks of ways to made me understand my body better, and I am in control. And sometimes its out of hand cause you know you shouldn't take certain things, but still stubborn, and you've to deal lah with the consequence. I remember this words from friend of mine, who are in the same situation as mine. She said "Anura, masa ni awak mintaklah kat Allah what ever you wants, cause we are in a special state that ALLAH will listen to you, and grant your wish". I hold that words. And Alhamdullilah, I see all the blessing. Like being sick, but never feel so calm. I am more calm that how I used to. Tak rasa runsing, I take every single moment as a blessing in my life. And not to worries over small things.



 Just some highlight of what happened yesterday. (03rd Sept)

Birthday Papa. Nothing much, some small celebration from me and Payo. Takde plan apa-apa pon. But turn out to be short and sweet. Buy hubby cake and gift, and we went for dinner at his new found favorite place. #sheeshmahal All in all, we are blessed, despite of all the challenges that we have been through. Doakan semoga kebahagiaan ini berterusan.. Inshallah.. Ameen

By the way, muka macam nampak sihat..but  before that I was feeling so unwell.. Chemo effect buat hal sangat. I can't walk properly, sweating macam hape..and I took the time and take rest. Nasib okay.. (But Papa punya pasal..tahan je lah).

AmmiSahil

Anak yg over

Buah Hati...

Dah lama x tangkap pic berduaan..

Love you guys..

Cheeky!

Sedap sgt..

Happy Birthday Papa

Feeling Better

Physically I am getting better. Whatever I had last week somehow all gone..except that tingling feeling on the nerves on my fingers and feet. And I did felt the numbness on my face sometimes. But apart from that, I am all well. Syukur alhamdulillah. Oh forgot.. apart from that, I start to loose hair as well. Thinking to bald my head again, before the hair fall become worst. huhuhu On the work matters, getting things slowly here. I mean, nothing much that I can do for now, except to understand the product offerings and all. Nak jumpa customer but x paham product pon susah jugak kan.. hi hi Yesterday I had experience to be stucked in the jam for 2 freaking hours! Nak keluar dari parking pon took me 1/2 hours. Gila sungguh! And people become so mean when they are stressed about jam. Accident because of semua pakat-pakat degil. Lawak la.. and menyusahkan orang lagi. Just one of you need to give up.. ni tak.. sama-sama nak menyesak masuk lane.. then boom! accident. I hope that I don't get stressed out a lot, coz seriously it is not good for my recovery. I can sense if I am stressed out, if I can feel my nerves on forehead, or eyes twitching, or pain on the shoulder. Which I had all that with my previous company.

My chemo diaries - Part 1

I have to keep this, on the side effects of the chemotheraphy. Need to keep track on this, just in case.I need to understand how my body works on coping with the side effects of the chemotherapy.

1st day(Friday 31st July to Tues 04th Aug)- Side effect fatigue, constipation not feeling like myself, body aching, joint pain,can't control bladder

6th day (Wed) - Thurs - Side Effects : Fatigue, diarrhea, sweating excessively, joint pain, body aching, rashes, tingling feeling on the fingers and feet, nerve pain

8th day(Friday) - Tingling feelings on fingers and feet. sweating excessively, joint pain, diarrhea

Overall, it's a painful experience. To think of it. Up to the level I asked Allah to have mercy on me..As sometimes the pain is too much. Feels like dying.I will feel a bit better in the morning, and had all that painful effects later in the evening, and will continue till night. I thought the operation pain is worst, but this is beyond everything. Just imagine you have all the effects at the same times, nausea, sweating, diarrhea, fatigue, nerve pain, joint pain and the best you can do is to eat pain killer or try to sleep. And make it worst when you still working after taking your chemo. You try as much as you can to be normal.. but your body just can't take it sometimes. Few times I felt when tried to walk slowly to the surau, and try to grasp my breath. I thought I will be strong this time, since this is not the first time I had the chemo done. But woo.. it is not. Its too much to take. I asked Allah to put ease on it. Please Allah..make me strong. I am almost give up on my work few days back..and to the level that I asked Allah to take me pls. Tak tahan sangat. But after I cried, and asked for forgiveness, I felt a bit better. After you being sick, you appreciate all small things that you never think of before. Macam nikmat untuk berjalan macam biasa, nikmat tidor tanpa rasa sakit, Allah betapa kita terlepas pandang benda sekecil ini.. Ampuni aku Ya Allah

Battling with Big C- Part 4

08th June,

Went to see few doctors to re-assure what will be next. First, Dato Dr.Siva from UM Specialist. Very soft spoken fellow, and listened to me carefully. By the way I was confused with the UM Specialist and PPUM as I thought there from the same building area. (UM Specialist is in the University Malaya anyway, behind the PJ guard entrance).

He can't give any answer at that point of time, and asked me to come over a day after. Meanwhile in the evening, I have set to meet up with another Dr. in PCMC, Dato Dr Aziz Yahya. Another well known specialist, in this field. Explained to him the chronology, and based on the report, he did mentioned its not going to be an easy task. But we will still try to work on it. And he listed down all the possibilities that can goes wrong.

But he still optimism. Nothing can beats doa and prayers. We will put our best effort on it. At least I felt a bit positive on this. After restless days thinking what will be next for me. We set the surgery on the 20th June

10th June,

Dr Siva has came back with similar answer with Dr Tan, its difficult to do it for me. Can't really see the chances its will not come back. 2. risk as I had chemoradiation last time. 3. I am overweight, so chances of recurrence is high.

13th June

Went for some alternative treatment, just to try out something else rather than doc's practice. We went next day (Sunday) and by 10 am already full of people who came around Malaysia. So, many of them, with so many type of deseases. And luckily without the no. I managed to get the slot from him, and experience how it works. He asked me to lie down and press my uterus like nobody business. I was screaming out loud, and then he tried to take out the so called tumour using his hand (invisibily). And said "OK dah takde dah ni, cyst ni. I was a bit confused, since I explained to him it was cancer, not just some cyst. He said " Can check /scan if don't believed.

Straight after the session, we went back to KL and arrange for another MRI scan. And the result? It is still there with extra 1cm growth, and now spread to other lymph nodes. What the.."That's it, we will just go with the surgery", husband said.

The waiting moment before the surgery was scary as ever. I can't sleep, thinking what will be the worst could happen to me. And I just pray and pray and pray things will go smoothly. Worst com to worst, I wil die in month of barakah (Ramadhan month). Hu hu..

20th June.

The time has come. I am pyhsically well. But emotion all ups and down, and trying hard to calm myself. The whole process took like 6 hours, and woke up at 8pm, with all the dizziness, and uncomfortable feeling. I had this morphine to reduce any pain I had. And next few days still lying on the bed. 

The whole process of recovery is according to the plan. Started walking, taking shower, and took liquid stuff. In away, all went well.

Counting days to go home. 

1 thing I am glad, is to have my husband,family and friends all around me. Only Allah could repay their goodness and prayers. 

Some of the time during hospitalization..

Still control macho..

Schoolmates.. tq sgt korang..muahx

Rainreenrarah.. Missed the Makreen n Zahrain pic..dah leka menyembang..

Got playroom near by the ward.. Everytime visit Ammi sick nak pegi "ABC"

My supermom..accompany me during buka puasa with KLCC view..(mcm la anak dia puasa)..but still wants to be there for me..Love u so much ma..

That Scary feeling

Wow.. berabuk my blog... its has been awhile.. and so many things had happen to me.. First, I thought that 2015 will be a better year to me.... but I am still been tested with so many things in my life.

This happened in May 2015 btw..

With my recent termination with my company, with the so called RRP program they announced. Kind a expecting it,since my MC record was not so good, with all the hospitalization and stuff. Even they said nothing to do with my illness. But hey, come on, I have tried to put my self in their shoes. Company is not doing good with so many losses reported, and you need to get rid of people. Who will be the best bet? With me which will be mc's most of the time, and with no good account?(as what they refer?) or some fresh grads that they can pushes their asses to do most of the work, without any issue.

Yeah.. you know the answer.


Well, that is not my worst nightmare yet. Since, its feels like holiday, and I have got the payment for next 6 months in hand. The worst thing had just happened to me last week.

I had to do this MRI again, after last appointment with my Dr. azriff, on my latest progress on my tumor. Last time its has been static, with 1.9cm (almost 2) size of the tumor. After 1 and half month of not doing much, except for going to Darul syifa and drinking some alkaline water, my tumor has been increased to 3 cm now. It some how shows some progression on the tumor, with the possibility of the new spread on my left lymph nodes.

I was okay when Dr Azriff told me that, even its a bit hard to take, no doubt a surgery is required this time. And already get my mental ready for it. Then I went to Dr Tan at SJMC, which I have already plan to tell him, "okay doc let do it! Lets remove the uterus!Then another shocked thing happened. He did not want to do it, 1. Not so good margin as he said. 2. It will be more complex than before. 3. It will effect my bladder and I may not urine as usual?

He suggested to do chemotherapy instead, with no assurance if the tumor will be gone.  I was burst in tears after came out from the SJMC, and I know my hubby is devastated as well. Can see from the way he wants to barge in to doc Azrif clinic straight away. Hu hu..


End May 2015,

Tried to go for short break,, and nothing beats the feeling of seeing this 1 guy so enjoying his road trip.

With his favorite guy.. Acu Man

He tries to run away from the doreamon..hihi

Wow! Its already 2015? How time flies...

Happy 2015 Everyone..

Its already 2015, and for the past 1 and half month so many things had happened, me only dok malas nak update. Being busy with the treatment and melayan anak. The thing is everytime I have the niat to update my blog.. everytime ada je la activity, which most of it is sleeping (after the treatment effect kot..hihi)


Anyways, my hope for this year, to be filled with good and great things ahead. Eventhough with my current conditions, and also my dad's health condition as well, I feel positive. Put aside all of your problem, think about what will be next. And redha with the things that come to you, good or bad.

My next vision is to see my son grows well, and to nourish him with full of love. Make sure that I am always there for him. Boleh rasa yang si kecik sorang ni sangat mama's boy. Everything Ammi... tidor pon bawah ketiak Ammi.Sometimes I will just think, now every single thing is Ammi, when he grown up later, forgot everything about Ammi (I hope not). Memang penat to think of it how clingy of him.. especially when the last 2 weeks of MCs. With the tantrum nya, only Allah knows, how tiring it is.

I was crying at 1 point, during my outing with him, just because he was screaming out loud at the restaurant, and wiping the floor. But 1 thing for sure, after I practice to recite the surah Taha to him every night, his tantrum all gone. More calm and relax, with the help of the ustaz as well. Alhamdulillah.


But whatever it is I will Pray hard and the best for our family. May Allah ease the burden that I have carried. Insyallah.