My chemo diaries - Part 1

I have to keep this, on the side effects of the chemotheraphy. Need to keep track on this, just in case.I need to understand how my body works on coping with the side effects of the chemotherapy.

1st day(Friday 31st July to Tues 04th Aug)- Side effect fatigue, constipation not feeling like myself, body aching, joint pain,can't control bladder

6th day (Wed) - Thurs - Side Effects : Fatigue, diarrhea, sweating excessively, joint pain, body aching, rashes, tingling feeling on the fingers and feet, nerve pain

8th day(Friday) - Tingling feelings on fingers and feet. sweating excessively, joint pain, diarrhea

Overall, it's a painful experience. To think of it. Up to the level I asked Allah to have mercy on me..As sometimes the pain is too much. Feels like dying.I will feel a bit better in the morning, and had all that painful effects later in the evening, and will continue till night. I thought the operation pain is worst, but this is beyond everything. Just imagine you have all the effects at the same times, nausea, sweating, diarrhea, fatigue, nerve pain, joint pain and the best you can do is to eat pain killer or try to sleep. And make it worst when you still working after taking your chemo. You try as much as you can to be normal.. but your body just can't take it sometimes. Few times I felt when tried to walk slowly to the surau, and try to grasp my breath. I thought I will be strong this time, since this is not the first time I had the chemo done. But woo.. it is not. Its too much to take. I asked Allah to put ease on it. Please Allah..make me strong. I am almost give up on my work few days back..and to the level that I asked Allah to take me pls. Tak tahan sangat. But after I cried, and asked for forgiveness, I felt a bit better. After you being sick, you appreciate all small things that you never think of before. Macam nikmat untuk berjalan macam biasa, nikmat tidor tanpa rasa sakit, Allah betapa kita terlepas pandang benda sekecil ini.. Ampuni aku Ya Allah

Battling with Big C- Part 4

08th June,

Went to see few doctors to re-assure what will be next. First, Dato Dr.Siva from UM Specialist. Very soft spoken fellow, and listened to me carefully. By the way I was confused with the UM Specialist and PPUM as I thought there from the same building area. (UM Specialist is in the University Malaya anyway, behind the PJ guard entrance).

He can't give any answer at that point of time, and asked me to come over a day after. Meanwhile in the evening, I have set to meet up with another Dr. in PCMC, Dato Dr Aziz Yahya. Another well known specialist, in this field. Explained to him the chronology, and based on the report, he did mentioned its not going to be an easy task. But we will still try to work on it. And he listed down all the possibilities that can goes wrong.

But he still optimism. Nothing can beats doa and prayers. We will put our best effort on it. At least I felt a bit positive on this. After restless days thinking what will be next for me. We set the surgery on the 20th June

10th June,

Dr Siva has came back with similar answer with Dr Tan, its difficult to do it for me. Can't really see the chances its will not come back. 2. risk as I had chemoradiation last time. 3. I am overweight, so chances of recurrence is high.

13th June

Went for some alternative treatment, just to try out something else rather than doc's practice. We went next day (Sunday) and by 10 am already full of people who came around Malaysia. So, many of them, with so many type of deseases. And luckily without the no. I managed to get the slot from him, and experience how it works. He asked me to lie down and press my uterus like nobody business. I was screaming out loud, and then he tried to take out the so called tumour using his hand (invisibily). And said "OK dah takde dah ni, cyst ni. I was a bit confused, since I explained to him it was cancer, not just some cyst. He said " Can check /scan if don't believed.

Straight after the session, we went back to KL and arrange for another MRI scan. And the result? It is still there with extra 1cm growth, and now spread to other lymph nodes. What the.."That's it, we will just go with the surgery", husband said.

The waiting moment before the surgery was scary as ever. I can't sleep, thinking what will be the worst could happen to me. And I just pray and pray and pray things will go smoothly. Worst com to worst, I wil die in month of barakah (Ramadhan month). Hu hu..

20th June.

The time has come. I am pyhsically well. But emotion all ups and down, and trying hard to calm myself. The whole process took like 6 hours, and woke up at 8pm, with all the dizziness, and uncomfortable feeling. I had this morphine to reduce any pain I had. And next few days still lying on the bed. 

The whole process of recovery is according to the plan. Started walking, taking shower, and took liquid stuff. In away, all went well.

Counting days to go home. 

1 thing I am glad, is to have my husband,family and friends all around me. Only Allah could repay their goodness and prayers. 

Some of the time during hospitalization..

Still control macho..

Schoolmates.. tq sgt korang..muahx

Rainreenrarah.. Missed the Makreen n Zahrain pic..dah leka menyembang..

Got playroom near by the ward.. Everytime visit Ammi sick nak pegi "ABC"

My supermom..accompany me during buka puasa with KLCC view..(mcm la anak dia puasa)..but still wants to be there for me..Love u so much ma..

That Scary feeling

Wow.. berabuk my blog... its has been awhile.. and so many things had happen to me.. First, I thought that 2015 will be a better year to me.... but I am still been tested with so many things in my life.

This happened in May 2015 btw..

With my recent termination with my company, with the so called RRP program they announced. Kind a expecting it,since my MC record was not so good, with all the hospitalization and stuff. Even they said nothing to do with my illness. But hey, come on, I have tried to put my self in their shoes. Company is not doing good with so many losses reported, and you need to get rid of people. Who will be the best bet? With me which will be mc's most of the time, and with no good account?(as what they refer?) or some fresh grads that they can pushes their asses to do most of the work, without any issue.

Yeah.. you know the answer.


Well, that is not my worst nightmare yet. Since, its feels like holiday, and I have got the payment for next 6 months in hand. The worst thing had just happened to me last week.

I had to do this MRI again, after last appointment with my Dr. azriff, on my latest progress on my tumor. Last time its has been static, with 1.9cm (almost 2) size of the tumor. After 1 and half month of not doing much, except for going to Darul syifa and drinking some alkaline water, my tumor has been increased to 3 cm now. It some how shows some progression on the tumor, with the possibility of the new spread on my left lymph nodes.

I was okay when Dr Azriff told me that, even its a bit hard to take, no doubt a surgery is required this time. And already get my mental ready for it. Then I went to Dr Tan at SJMC, which I have already plan to tell him, "okay doc let do it! Lets remove the uterus!Then another shocked thing happened. He did not want to do it, 1. Not so good margin as he said. 2. It will be more complex than before. 3. It will effect my bladder and I may not urine as usual?

He suggested to do chemotherapy instead, with no assurance if the tumor will be gone.  I was burst in tears after came out from the SJMC, and I know my hubby is devastated as well. Can see from the way he wants to barge in to doc Azrif clinic straight away. Hu hu..


End May 2015,

Tried to go for short break,, and nothing beats the feeling of seeing this 1 guy so enjoying his road trip.

With his favorite guy.. Acu Man

He tries to run away from the doreamon..hihi

Wow! Its already 2015? How time flies...

Happy 2015 Everyone..

Its already 2015, and for the past 1 and half month so many things had happened, me only dok malas nak update. Being busy with the treatment and melayan anak. The thing is everytime I have the niat to update my blog.. everytime ada je la activity, which most of it is sleeping (after the treatment effect kot..hihi)


Anyways, my hope for this year, to be filled with good and great things ahead. Eventhough with my current conditions, and also my dad's health condition as well, I feel positive. Put aside all of your problem, think about what will be next. And redha with the things that come to you, good or bad.

My next vision is to see my son grows well, and to nourish him with full of love. Make sure that I am always there for him. Boleh rasa yang si kecik sorang ni sangat mama's boy. Everything Ammi... tidor pon bawah ketiak Ammi.Sometimes I will just think, now every single thing is Ammi, when he grown up later, forgot everything about Ammi (I hope not). Memang penat to think of it how clingy of him.. especially when the last 2 weeks of MCs. With the tantrum nya, only Allah knows, how tiring it is.

I was crying at 1 point, during my outing with him, just because he was screaming out loud at the restaurant, and wiping the floor. But 1 thing for sure, after I practice to recite the surah Taha to him every night, his tantrum all gone. More calm and relax, with the help of the ustaz as well. Alhamdulillah.


But whatever it is I will Pray hard and the best for our family. May Allah ease the burden that I have carried. Insyallah.

Battling with Big C - Part 3

Baru ada masa sikit nak bercerita about my experience during the treatment.

28th October

Day after the operation. Alhamdullilah everything went well. I am so scared, never been into this deep sleep before. When I woke up, a bit weak, but slowly recovered. Just noticed there are few holes on my tummy.


29th October.

Out from Hospital

03rd November 2014- 30th November

My 1st radiotherapy session. At first I dunno what to expect. With the big machine awaits. But then it just some painless procedure. with the machine goes around you. Good thing about PCMC, during the session they will put on the Al Quran recitation, if you are muslim, or if others, they will put all this soothing sounds during the session.



05th November 2014, and every Wednesday. (till 01st December)

Had my 1st chemo. My fear is more towards when they want to set up an IV drip on your hand. Bab cucuk2 tu.. But then after a while.. you just being pasrah. Macam cucuk la apa-apa yang nak dicucuk.. But I can't watch still...Then you have to wait for the IV drip to finish.. Then they give you the drug or Cisplatin in my case. Dalam keadaan redha la all the time. Masa 1st masuk, a bit sakit.. not use too kot..

And alhamdulillah from 1st chemo till the end. Semua berjalan lancar. I dont't experience any nausea, or vomitting, or any severe side effects. Just hair loss and mulut taste like metal.. And I don't lose weight. (stress gak..igt sakit-sakit ni boleh la turun sikit berat tu..hehe).. But then, maybe because of the steroid that I took. Part of side effects of steroid, memang akan menggemuk. In my case, langsung tak turun.. huhuhuhu



02nd till 20th December

Started my Brachiteraphy session. The scariest part, still the jarum part. Especially part diorg nk cocok kt spine tu.. Punya la berdebar.. sampai terdiam. I have told nurse, if I diam je tu, meaning tgh takut sangat la kot.. They are so baik with me.. keep asking me to calm down. The anesthetic Doc keep telling me why la I so takut. I can't even think of it, tremble.



20th December

I went for the patient celebration in PCMC. In away it is kind a my celebration of my treatment completion. Rasa cam lega. To think of how nice they are, from the doctor, nurses, the radiotherapist, and etc. Serious, one in million experience that I can't forget. Especially my Doc, Dr. Azriff who really kind and warm, and doing his great job to treat me,. To the nurses, Sis Rahimah, Sis Zuraidah, Yap and few others, who are doing their job greatly, and to the Radiotherapist, Lia and Mr Kannan, yg sgt friendly and warm. I am so glad with this group of people yang sentiasa memberi 100% support that you need in the time like this.
Thank you soooo much!


Some of the pic during the patient celebration day..

Battling with Big C - Part 2

Month of October 2014..

So busy with the work and family, and forgot about my illness. After the big submission on my Pos Tender, and mean time went for few visit to different specialist. At that moment still have not sure to which specialist, or which medical centre that I should go to. It is more asking people around, but most give a specialist for O&G specialist. I need an opinion from cancer expert as well (dunno the term oncologist yet).

Then decided to google around, saw the list of good medical centre, such as pantai, pcmc, and as well as sdmc (even I am now like 50-50 with them). Then dunno why, I have decided to try Prince Court, from a feedback of a friend, they are like so good. So, okay let me see google. Then it was kind a short notice, I have googled the name and contact, and straight away email them for Saturday appointment, (it was Friday that time). Luckily they have slot for me. Alhamdulillah. And I have set to meet up with Dr. Azriff.

The meeting went well, with more details about the things that I have been dealing with. Its pretty much gives me more understanding, and in fact he gave me some readings after the meet up for me to read through what is Cervical Cancer it is all about, with the promise to connect me with 1 patient with similar situation.

He gives different opinion on what sort of treatment that I should go through. No surgery, but with Radioatherapy, Chemotheraphy, and Brachitherapy. He said, even with the surgery, it wont be able to save my uterus anymore, since the tumour is quite big. If the operation, the choice will be to remove the uterus. I am still devastated when I hear this at first. So which ever option I have chose, it wont be able to save my uterus anymore, and wont be able to have more baby. I know hubby was devastated as well.

We went back with so many things inside my head. In the mean time, I have set the appointment with Dr Hamid Arshat as well, for another opinion. At the mean time, I have told Dr Azriff to give me sometimes to think about this.


15th Oct 2014

Meeting with Dato' Dr Hamid Arshat. Today Emi, good friend of mine, and my insurance agent, accompany me for the appointment. I am hoping that Dr Hamid can give some hope on this. My concern is to save my uterus as much as I wanted to..but.. it just so sad to think that I wont be able to conceive again. When he go through my MRI result, and other result, his response to go with what Dr Azriff suggested. No need operation. As the operation is to remove, and it wont be able to save my uterus. And with state of the art technology, no need to go through the surgery pain, he said. So there it goes. from an expert himself. But he suggested to go to Beacon Hospital, since his friend is running the hospital, and they have the best facilities.

Thansk for accompany me Emi..

Then we went to SDMC, while waiting Emi to settle her things, I am keep searching an info on the best facilities on cancer treatment. I just got to know about Beacon from the Dr Hamid, and plan to check it out. Went there with Emi, and found out it is quite expensive compared to other hospital. On top of that, my insurance, co. and personal, does not cover there.


18th October

My RT planning and simulation begins, This after decided to go with Dr Azriff, as I felt that I have got the support I need from him, and after few opinions from people, like hubby, and few ex-patients.

Prep for my RT simulation Session

21st Oct,

Did Pet -Scan, as Dr Azriff don't feel at ease when the MRI report earlier, mentioned there is some possibility of my Lymph nodes may have the cancer cell as well.



27th October

School friend.. glad to have them in my life.. love you all to bits!

I had decided to do move my ovaries aside, to sure that during my Radiotheraphy session  it won't effected the ovaries, at least to less down my menopause effect. Hope it works.

Pose before the Operation...

My beautiful view..penat sgt..

View from my Hotel eh... my Room..mmg rasa mcm dok hotel.. hehe

Throwback : Little Celebration for Lil' one.

We had some small celebration of my lil payo birthday. On his birthday itself, took him to indoor playground, Amanville. And we had great time there. But the place is so empty, its just us and 1,2 parents with their toddlers.

Had fun.. had some smoothies, had him driving the remote car, running around in the mall. It so spacious and empty, he can just lied there. He he

The next Sunday, is the Hajj Celebration and Mom decided to do small celebration for little Payo as well. Just some makan-makan during Hajj celebration and small cake cutting for si kecik.

Simple and sweet.

Excited Terlebey

Yup.. mmg terlebey..

Us..

kesayangan Ammi..

He loves this so much..everytime look at this pic the excitement shows..

He loves Hi-5 so much okay.. like too much..